Friday, December 9, 2011

A Full Moon at Twelve: Thirty-Seven AM

Late night ramblings are sticky and really shouldn't be attempted when sorting through life, especially at this part of the year. See, I find myself with more downtime than I care to have, simply because the year is officially over. For the most part, all plans are covering 2012 and these remaining days are spent in neutral mode; that leaves way too much time to just ponder and stumble on half-baked resolutions. It's also the holiday season which further complicates my ability to manage my moods throughout the winter season. Besides the overt commercialism and fleeting moments of goodwill, it's just too damn cold to do anything other than sit under a blanket stock still and pray the pilot light doesn't go out on the central heating. It wouldn't hurt to continue praying that I have money to pay these ridiculous utility bills, either.

Late night ramblings leaves a person wide open, so consider me vulnerable right now. At the time of this writing, I'm very candid and subject to present some information that leaves me completely exposed. But that's the risk I'm willing to take, hell, I'm an artist so bearing my soul kinda comes with the territory. I've been spending the majority of the day and night going over the year and its happenings. Many of the things that I had planned for my company didn't go along as it should, so I found myself shutting down in October to plan again, waiting to strike out fresh for 2012. For a little while, I was pretty miffed about that until one of my sweet male friends gave me a new spin on it. Once I unloaded my frustrations to him one night at Starbuck's, he merely shrugged his shoulders and said, 'That just sounds like growing pains to me. Typical stuff that comes with running a company. Just pull yourself together and keep going.' That reassurance made all of the difference. I did what he said.

As for my 'love life', that little situation with that certain Mister has officially come to a close for good, as far as I'm concerned. Five years. On again. Off again. Promises made. Promises broken. Patience. Understanding. Communication. Poor follow through. Minimal effort. All of that. For five years, y'all....and it's just over. Done. And I am just fine about it.

"It's like BOOM, Son. Grown woman, making decisions and choices....."

So, here I am, somewhere I really didn't expect to be -- searching again. Truth be told, I wanted to be done with the search. I just wanted to have this part of my life sealed up so I can completely focus on working in purpose. But no, here I am, damming up this Reservoir of Good Loving and activating my Infrared Bullshit Detector. But you know what, I find myself jaded -- almost exhausted with the whole dating thing now. I don't want to play by the rules anymore, instead, I want to make it up as I go along. Blame it on my ever-growing maturity and my near-precision dream chasing. Blame it on my need to simplify the hell outta this shit so I can stop being so perplexed about the Why, the How Come, the When, and What If. I had a refreshing glass of Fuck It! Juice recently and I just can't see me getting real deep about this thing anytime soon. That energy can be better spent somewhere else, ya dig?

I'm finding myself just unwilling to go through any motions and I'm getting a bit selfish. I think, at this point, I'm gonna make this all about me for a little while. Don't worry. I will take extra careful measures to protect them from me, so I won't be blamed for tainting any brothas -- I couldn't have that on my conscience. I'll be completely honest and free so they can walk into the set up with their eyes wide shut.

Now, what do I mean by all of this? Well, I'm in the process of making a major transition in my life and while I would have preferred to already have my man attached to me while I make these moves, that's not the case -- and I have to be willing to admit that it may not be the case for some time now. Such is the quandary of this lifestyle. It seems as though the simplest of things become the most difficult to attain so you have to be willing to dismantle and reprogram, shut down and reboot. You get the idea. So, yeah, am I the only one sitting up late at night, pondering and surmising how to move forward after the so-called Sure Thing stopped being so sure? Don't let me and Zenzile hanging, share with us. Let's get through this mess together.

It's 1:26am. Damn, I need a cuddle buddy.

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