Only the Lonely?

This week has been a roller coaster ride for me...I discovered the country down home stylings of YouTube entertainer AARRONE99. I worked incredibly hard on multiple academic projects, had parenting challenges galore, and ended the week with a speaking engagement at which my principle audience was...Missing In Action.

Let's start with Aarrone99. She's a self confident, outspoken, beautiful and intelligent woman who shares her observations and experiences live and uncensored. Her videos reflect her dispensing big girl/grown woman wisdom,requests for dating advice, her personal likes and dislikes as well as style and presentation tips. I say all of that to say, that Aarrone99 was not just entertainment this week, but a memory as well. Her posts reminded me of the types of conversations I had with my girls from back home, about how we were raised, the communal knowledge of women, standards of beauty and self love. Aarrone99's videos had me laughing and crying, and kept me company as I was up late night working and writing. Despite the humor, at the end of the day, AARRONE99's videos serve to remind me, and anyone who watches them that "everything and everybody just wants to be loved."

But then...well, for those of you that don't know, I'm a single mama, and raising up two young men "the way they should go", ain't easy on regular days...so when folks decide to cut up at school BEFORE nine a.m., you just kinda KNOW what type of day its' gonna be. With some reinforcements from the community (i.e. MALE community members), lots of communication, and a little bit of good old fashioned "fear of God"- style parenting, we got over that hump.

But, the best part of the week was that I was able to make some major progress on a project I was working on, as well as being invited to present my research at an education conference at the end of the month. On the other hand, I was seriously thrown for a loop, when after preparing a presentation for a student group, the group members who needed the information I was presenting failed to show up...Like I said, ups and downs... Reflecting on everything, I realized that I have been a seriously hard working sister! Which brings me to the flip side of all this stuff...the LONELY.

Lorraine Hansberry has a quote, which has given me SO much insight into my life, my purpose and my reality. In To Be Young Gifted and Black, she explains:

"Eventually it comes to you; the thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely."

When I read this I immediately identified with it. I consider myself to simply be Zenzile...but when I write it all out on paper, or look at my schedule, or think about my responsibilities, as a single woman, a mother, a doctoral student, a blogger, a mentor, a community member, a daughter, sister, aunt, public speaker, editor, writer, job seeker and future business owner, I KNOW, that I am exceptional, and I understand, because of the hierarchy of demands to secure survival and existence that I am oftentimes lonely But, does it have to be this way?

Tell me LJL family,is an exceptional life only for the lonely?

Are exceptional people/lives/experiences like candles, shining brightly yet so warm that no one can get close, forever a beacon but never touched?

LOVE or SEX...The "Talk"

We here at LJL were just kids when Mary J. Blige burst onto the scene, belting out this now classic song about a young woman in search of LOVE well, REAL LOVE that is...Now, we're old enough to BE parents/co-parents, aunties, "big" cousins, and godmothers. Now, we are in the driver's seat when it comes to defining and framing LOVE for the next generation. WE are now responsible for setting the tone on what is and is not acceptable, for separating truths from locker room fictions, and for guidance on how to digest all the emotions that come with those biological, hormonal, social and emotional changes that the young men and women in our lives will soon undergo.

How is it that time has passed us so swiftly?

Who said that just because we're OLDER that we're any wiser?

Do we have what it takes to set a youngster on the right path?

Recently a close friend called with dread in his voice. He was sorry to announce that it was time for THE TALK with his thirteen year old son. Having done sex ed programming for teen girls in an area with a high teen pregnancy rate as a Girl Scout, as an RA in college, and as a mother to two preteen boys, I had "the talk" down pat. I also knew that there wasn't just one "talk".

The "talk" was and is actually a conversation; a never-ending one at that.

The phone call, coupled with a realization I had a few days earlier inspired this post. I reminisced back on my school days, when I asked my parents straight out, when could I have a boyfriend. My mother, ever the practical parent simply replied, "When you can balance your school work and your social life" Well, I had been going to school and playing outside pretty well since elementary school.In middle school, my grades were always good, and I was never in trouble.

Translation:I can have a boyfriend NOW!!!

However, thinking back on things, I wonder...What if my parents said, "sweetie, we love you and think you are an awesome, intelligent, pretty, manner-able, caring, thoughtful and right minded young lady." "When you find a young man who deserves to share in all that you are, then you can have a boyfriend. Look for the man who is worthy of your wonderfulness"

Imagining how my life and choices in men would have differed with this nugget of information, it was the same advice I offered my friend in his moment of dread. Give him the concrete details, be medically accurate, but in the end, tell him to seek out a young lady who truly is WORTHY of all he is. We live in a world that is not conducive to sexual freedom, "sowing wild oats", and even simple exploration.

Our society, by nature of being hyper-sexualized, has made sex an activity that requires medical screenings, multiple forms of birth control, and oftentimes litigation. It's intimacy is far removed from the two individual participants, therefore, the sex education of today must advocate for truth, honesty, respect, and self worth. It is the only way to stem the tide of teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and broken social relations.

So, when it comes to the question of "Love or Sex" I say HEALTHY Self Love then Sex. In the LoveJonesLifestyle, sex grounded in a healthy sense of self is the way we do it. What about you?