Personal Empowerment

Oftentimes we forget how awesome we are. We are artists, we make the world beautiful!  We are writers, we weave stories that pull at the heart, and boggle the mind. We are musicians, we transport the world to places inside, outside and across space and time!

We are also, very often, 9-5ers with ..."Day Jobs" and it was in this moment, a moment of  preparing for my "day job" that I had a very empowering revelation. Those people...are damn lucky to have me! So...why was I feeling insecure? Why was I questioning my skills? I don't do anything that I haven't done literally hundreds, if not a thousand (by now) times before. I was doing work that I could do with my eyes closed, and a one word prompt! So again...unsure why?

What I realized, was that although I am great at what I do, my place of employment, my position, because it is heavily dependent on external factors, was what was insecure. I obtained my position, like the previous 4 positions before it via a letter and c.v., or simply on someone's word. And, although I was  am good at what I do, I've been hired, and gone on working. However, the organizations I've worked for, nonprofits and educational institutions, are simply spaces that are often financially insecure.

Realization 1
I'm not insecure, institutions are. I am excellent at what I do. I do it well, I'm knowledgeable in my field, and continue to build my skill set.

Another thing I know, because of Realization 1 is that security...comfort is important. I'm the only one looking out for my comfort..its not like anyone is going to come up to me and say, here dear, you do much too much...take a rest! Therefore, I must do it myself. And for me, a day off isn't enough. For me, there is more...the day must start with a delicious snack of strawberries and tea. Then yoga and a steaming hot shower. After that, an hour or so of writing, journaling, planning and reading. Maybe a few phone calls, a pedicure, and a decadent lunch. Chocolate is involved. Some time in nature...a park, a lake, a river, walking, reading, animal or people watching. Capturing some of the beauty in photographs. Creating, writing, teaching. Finding children to chat with- they have wonderful stories and totally understand the concept of lounging, discovery and imagination, and finally journeying home.

Realization 2
I'm going to start living from a place of luxury. Period. 

That is to say, a day off, or my ideal day, shouldn't be special, my ideal day, is how I should live my life. I've already incorporated this ideal into my life in many ways, but this week's realizations only spoke to the urgency with which I need to incorporate more.

I'm so thankful to have had these revelations, as they are the cornerstone of the LoveJonesLifestyle. I look forward to hearing how YOU empower yourselves to live a life in alignment with LJL...

An Open Letter to My Ex-Lovers

Note: In the power of being a grown woman, a sophisticated lady as my sister Zenzile dubs it, I believe it necessary to make universal statements. These revelations spoken, or in this case written, out loud are for the express purpose of cleaning out my emotional closet so that I can welcome feelings for a new lover. I strongly encourage all of our readers to embrace your unexpressed feelings & to write an open letter to your ex-lovers so you can be wide open to experience the joy & beauty of loving again -- loving again without reservations, hesitations, or pent up frustrations. Here's my open letter as an example for you to follow. ---

May 2, 2012
10:19pm

Dear Ex-Lovers:

This is not a letter to bash or to speak ill will into your lives. I do not have a desire to avenge any hurt nor do I harbor anger for any of you beautiful brothas. Instead, this is a letter thanking you for your presence in my life. Without knowing you & loving you, I wouldn't know me or understand how I love. I realize that each one of you taught me something about who I am & for that, I will be forever grateful. Even though I hated it at the time, I appreciate those occasions when you called me out on my mess. I was wrong a lot and two of you didn't hesitate to tell me, even though you knew you'd be met with a few choice words for doing so.

Over the years, I came to realize that it wasn't about me being too small to own up to my mistakes. No, it was something much deeper than that.  I didn't want to be wrong in your eyes.  I wanted you to see me as close to perfect as possible. Silly, I know. But that is my truth. You knew me better than I was willing to admit at the time.  I didn't want to be that transparent.  I felt you would have taken advantage of that so, deliberately, I tried to be evasive but neither one of you fell for that, thank God.

One of you used to make me cry but you didn't know it. My pride wouldn't allow me to display such 'weakness' before you.  That's why I preferred to keep a straight face & let my big mouth & cuss words do it all for me.  It was a smoke screen.  You were so fine to me and all I wanted to do was keep you, but somehow, when I tried to express that, the words would get stalled in my throat. That's why you couldn't grasp what I was saying. I wasn't telling you the whole truth. You went on with your life, doing what you wanted to do & I held a grudge against you for it. For some reason, I actually thought that you could read my mind & know that I wanted us to be together. Some years later, I was able to confess a lot to you and how I felt things went down between us. You confessed your wrongdoings & that was enough for me, but you took it a step further and healed me with your apology. Thank you.

Yes, I remember you all well.  From high school, you, my first love, wouldn't let me get off the phone in the late hours of the night until I told you that I loved you.  It still puzzles me to this day why your life went in the direction that it did.  When I was in undergrad, receiving your letters from prison, I couldn't respond because telling you how disappointed I was with you wasn't going to help your situation at all. However, I am thankful to God that your life is so much better now. You have a wife and a beautiful crop of children. You're doing well and that's a true blessing. To the scrawny cutie that would sneak out of his mama's house to come over just because I told him to, we are all grown up now & life is different for the both of us. I hope our recent argument won't sour our 20+ year friendship for good.

To the preacher's kid, your letters brought big smiles to my face and made me feel so special knowing that a Navy man was somewhere with his mind on me.  On Valentine's Day 1991, I cried on the way home from school because everyone was getting their gifts & you were in Afghanistan as part of Operation Desert Storm. But my heart leaped for joy when I opened that package left on my doorstep; a dozen red roses along with a card and a letter sent me into orbit. Please forgive me for breaking up with you once I got to college. It was for the best because I knew I wasn't going to be faithful.

To the one who laid beside me as I received a late night phone call with bad news about a family member, I thank you for consoling me that night. On another note, you have the goofiest laugh but I enjoyed hearing it, especially when I was acting silly! Even though we couldn't ever get our thing together, I still had a great time hanging out with you shooting pool & cooking for you.

There were so many good times; lots of laughter, intimate moments, painful moments, and frustration with all of you.  I cherish each of those moments, not because I desire to rekindle our affairs, but because they were all stepping stones to me becoming a mature woman, capable of loving without any fear and knowing how to deal with the issues that arise when a man & a woman are in love. Even though I had you for a certain time in my life, I thank you for preparing me for him -- the one I'm ready to love as soon as time & space allows. I pray sincerely that God blesses each of you abundantly & that you are blessed with much love because each of you deserve it.

Love Always,
Chandra

LOVE or SEX...The "Talk"

We here at LJL were just kids when Mary J. Blige burst onto the scene, belting out this now classic song about a young woman in search of LOVE well, REAL LOVE that is...Now, we're old enough to BE parents/co-parents, aunties, "big" cousins, and godmothers. Now, we are in the driver's seat when it comes to defining and framing LOVE for the next generation. WE are now responsible for setting the tone on what is and is not acceptable, for separating truths from locker room fictions, and for guidance on how to digest all the emotions that come with those biological, hormonal, social and emotional changes that the young men and women in our lives will soon undergo.

How is it that time has passed us so swiftly?

Who said that just because we're OLDER that we're any wiser?

Do we have what it takes to set a youngster on the right path?

Recently a close friend called with dread in his voice. He was sorry to announce that it was time for THE TALK with his thirteen year old son. Having done sex ed programming for teen girls in an area with a high teen pregnancy rate as a Girl Scout, as an RA in college, and as a mother to two preteen boys, I had "the talk" down pat. I also knew that there wasn't just one "talk".

The "talk" was and is actually a conversation; a never-ending one at that.

The phone call, coupled with a realization I had a few days earlier inspired this post. I reminisced back on my school days, when I asked my parents straight out, when could I have a boyfriend. My mother, ever the practical parent simply replied, "When you can balance your school work and your social life" Well, I had been going to school and playing outside pretty well since elementary school.In middle school, my grades were always good, and I was never in trouble.

Translation:I can have a boyfriend NOW!!!

However, thinking back on things, I wonder...What if my parents said, "sweetie, we love you and think you are an awesome, intelligent, pretty, manner-able, caring, thoughtful and right minded young lady." "When you find a young man who deserves to share in all that you are, then you can have a boyfriend. Look for the man who is worthy of your wonderfulness"

Imagining how my life and choices in men would have differed with this nugget of information, it was the same advice I offered my friend in his moment of dread. Give him the concrete details, be medically accurate, but in the end, tell him to seek out a young lady who truly is WORTHY of all he is. We live in a world that is not conducive to sexual freedom, "sowing wild oats", and even simple exploration.

Our society, by nature of being hyper-sexualized, has made sex an activity that requires medical screenings, multiple forms of birth control, and oftentimes litigation. It's intimacy is far removed from the two individual participants, therefore, the sex education of today must advocate for truth, honesty, respect, and self worth. It is the only way to stem the tide of teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and broken social relations.

So, when it comes to the question of "Love or Sex" I say HEALTHY Self Love then Sex. In the LoveJonesLifestyle, sex grounded in a healthy sense of self is the way we do it. What about you?

Loving Yourself...

Loving Yourself…

In the midst of the hustle and bustle of the holidays its easy to lose ourselves. We shop for each other, run around town and country visiting relatives and friends, and spend inordinate amounts of time cooking, cleaning and eating. Despite the fun and enjoyment we experience with our friends and families, we can often forget about ourselves, and even our friends who don’t have access to extensive social networks.

Add this to the bombarding messages of the “New Year” including changing ourselves, ending bad habits, losing weight, accomplishing lifelong goals, advancing professionally, gaining control of our finances and being better parents, friends and lovers, and you’re left with very little time to simply practice self love. And as the Tiny Buddha put it, without self love, we are unable to love others.

The post holiday blues hit me hard this year…suddenly my children were back at school, and I had to get back in the swing of things. I was far away from the creative stimulation, family love and delicious foods of home that had sustained me over the holidays. The longing for love coupled with homesickness and the normal hormonal fluctuations of womanhood combined into a perfect storm of emotional wreckage. In the end, the only lifeline I had was the power of prayer and a good cry…Imagine my surprise when I found that these were actually two of many healthy ways to walk through the storm I was experiencing.

At the end of the day, I decided to put off work, the writing project I had planned, getting together with coworkers and classmates, and even basic personal activities in exchange for a day of personal care and self love. I slept in. I spent some time in meditation where I again received confirmation of my decision to spend the day in self care. I opened my bedroom window and allowed the cool winter air to wash over me and my space. I lovingly shampooed, oiled and conditioned my locs. I soaked my feet and completed an at home mani-pedi, and slathered my skin with Vitamin E oil and cocoa butter. Finally, I completed my favorite self care activity, a steam facial.

The universe answered my obedience as I relaxed with a little t.v. time at the end of the day. My twelve year old came in and asked if I had started making dinner yet. When I replied “no” he said “good, I want to cook stir fry tonight!!” and proceeded to take his bath, then prepare dinner for us. As a final applause to my self loving day, I walked over to close my blinds, and glancing at my altar, noticed that the top card on my deck of affirmation cards was labeled “PAMPER” the final notice that my day of self love was needed, useful and divinely affirmed.

By the end of the day, I felt refreshed. I was ready to work, but I gave myself permission to spend the next day cleaning my environment, and preparing for the year ahead, without the buzz of technology, opting instead for silence.

In our pursuit of love, we must remember ourselves. The winter season is one of planning, ordering and laying foundations. Lay your foundation for love with your own self love. Lay your foundation for order by stepping away from the hustle and bustle of the season, the false promises of change that each new year brings, and instead invest in truly caring for yourself, practicing love of self in large and small ways, without elaborate plans and schemes. Perform a simple act of love today. Love yourself, even if you’re jonesin...

• Mistreating Me by Leela James

More Leela James music on iLike

*tee shirt available from WAM