Letter to My Former Lovers...part deux

Letter to My Former Lovers…


When Chandra Kamaria suggested we share our experiences of love as a part of the “Sophisticated Ladies” Series, I immediately said yes. I literally jumped at the suggestion, and began making some notes in my head.

There was no acrimony or bitterness, but an eagerness instead. Although there is a particular lover I’d love to “tell off,” when I look at the situation with my highest self, that of a fully developed, wholly empowered, well educated, family centered, Goddess infused matriarch in training, I understand fully, that that one particular lover was in pain, severely damaged, and acting out in the best result driven ways contained in his personal arsenal.

Therefore, I’m able to say to him, despite his bad behavior, I understand. Because as I understand the source of his pain, I hope on some subliminal level that he also understood my passion. My drive to be coupled, to know him, and to join him on a journey of healing, something so valuable, was not something that could be forced. So, in knowing him, I also came face to face with my own impatience, stubbornness, and aggressive nature. All virtues in my professional struggles, but incredibly out of place in the loved filled space of a relationship. To this lover, I say thank you for being brave enough to stand on your no, when I was screaming yes. Your turning away, helped the true direction I needed to face. I am forever grateful for pointing out to me that my community holds all that I need.

To the lover that worked to be my everything despite my resistance, know that your work was not done in vain…we met at the best and worst of times. When I needed a friend, which you were, but not a lover, which you became. Your presences and absences were always felt intensely. I missed your childlike rambunctiousness when you traveled, yet it was this same personality that disrupted my naturally introverted peace seeking nature when you were present. I thank you for being man enough to share with me what I taught you, and for allowing me to grow up enough to tell you what I learned from you. I am so grateful that we were able to go our separate ways, yet maintain what is still one of the strongest and most valuable friendships in my life.

To the lover that should have been a summer romance, a fun and light affair, but unfortunately turned into a long drawn out and quite ugly and destructive union. I can only say that I am sorry. I hate that I didn’t trust myself enough to make the best decisions for the both of us. I’m disappointed that it was with you that I saw the ugliest parts of myself. The dissolution of our union forced me into a serious deep depression.  A stripping down of myself and the questioning of everything I “thought” I knew. The scars were deep, and no doubt others had to pay for my experiences with you. The only regret I harbor is that our children, to this day, suffer the consequences of our past irresponsibility, vindictiveness and lack of communication. I've made my peace with the past, but it is tempered with the knowledge that some things can not be undone, and certain consequences are permanent.

Finally…to the one who started it all. My high school sweetheart. My friend. You were there for me, supported me and loved me through all of my growing pains. When I needed a friend, you listened. When there were adventures to be had, you were at my side. You treated me like a lady, and acted like a gentleman. We exchanged our first kisses, and many other firsts, good and bad. I remember feeling grief over your deepest pains, and only disappointment at your lowest points, no matter how they affected me, I could never get angry with you. I am thankful for the shelter of our relationship throughout our child and young adult-hoods and thank you for releasing me when it was no longer safe to hold on.

Now that we are adults,  I am most thankful for your survival, your living and thriving. I am most impressed with the man you have become; holding on to your sanity, living your life as an artist and seeing opportunity at every turn. I have learned, after twenty years that you are still my friend. You are still the one who I would go anywhere with, my favorite companion for adventures. You are the shoulder on which I can always rest. You are my life partner, the one that I am eternally grateful to wake to and hear “Good Morning, my friend”

An Open Letter to My Ex-Lovers

Note: In the power of being a grown woman, a sophisticated lady as my sister Zenzile dubs it, I believe it necessary to make universal statements. These revelations spoken, or in this case written, out loud are for the express purpose of cleaning out my emotional closet so that I can welcome feelings for a new lover. I strongly encourage all of our readers to embrace your unexpressed feelings & to write an open letter to your ex-lovers so you can be wide open to experience the joy & beauty of loving again -- loving again without reservations, hesitations, or pent up frustrations. Here's my open letter as an example for you to follow. ---

May 2, 2012
10:19pm

Dear Ex-Lovers:

This is not a letter to bash or to speak ill will into your lives. I do not have a desire to avenge any hurt nor do I harbor anger for any of you beautiful brothas. Instead, this is a letter thanking you for your presence in my life. Without knowing you & loving you, I wouldn't know me or understand how I love. I realize that each one of you taught me something about who I am & for that, I will be forever grateful. Even though I hated it at the time, I appreciate those occasions when you called me out on my mess. I was wrong a lot and two of you didn't hesitate to tell me, even though you knew you'd be met with a few choice words for doing so.

Over the years, I came to realize that it wasn't about me being too small to own up to my mistakes. No, it was something much deeper than that.  I didn't want to be wrong in your eyes.  I wanted you to see me as close to perfect as possible. Silly, I know. But that is my truth. You knew me better than I was willing to admit at the time.  I didn't want to be that transparent.  I felt you would have taken advantage of that so, deliberately, I tried to be evasive but neither one of you fell for that, thank God.

One of you used to make me cry but you didn't know it. My pride wouldn't allow me to display such 'weakness' before you.  That's why I preferred to keep a straight face & let my big mouth & cuss words do it all for me.  It was a smoke screen.  You were so fine to me and all I wanted to do was keep you, but somehow, when I tried to express that, the words would get stalled in my throat. That's why you couldn't grasp what I was saying. I wasn't telling you the whole truth. You went on with your life, doing what you wanted to do & I held a grudge against you for it. For some reason, I actually thought that you could read my mind & know that I wanted us to be together. Some years later, I was able to confess a lot to you and how I felt things went down between us. You confessed your wrongdoings & that was enough for me, but you took it a step further and healed me with your apology. Thank you.

Yes, I remember you all well.  From high school, you, my first love, wouldn't let me get off the phone in the late hours of the night until I told you that I loved you.  It still puzzles me to this day why your life went in the direction that it did.  When I was in undergrad, receiving your letters from prison, I couldn't respond because telling you how disappointed I was with you wasn't going to help your situation at all. However, I am thankful to God that your life is so much better now. You have a wife and a beautiful crop of children. You're doing well and that's a true blessing. To the scrawny cutie that would sneak out of his mama's house to come over just because I told him to, we are all grown up now & life is different for the both of us. I hope our recent argument won't sour our 20+ year friendship for good.

To the preacher's kid, your letters brought big smiles to my face and made me feel so special knowing that a Navy man was somewhere with his mind on me.  On Valentine's Day 1991, I cried on the way home from school because everyone was getting their gifts & you were in Afghanistan as part of Operation Desert Storm. But my heart leaped for joy when I opened that package left on my doorstep; a dozen red roses along with a card and a letter sent me into orbit. Please forgive me for breaking up with you once I got to college. It was for the best because I knew I wasn't going to be faithful.

To the one who laid beside me as I received a late night phone call with bad news about a family member, I thank you for consoling me that night. On another note, you have the goofiest laugh but I enjoyed hearing it, especially when I was acting silly! Even though we couldn't ever get our thing together, I still had a great time hanging out with you shooting pool & cooking for you.

There were so many good times; lots of laughter, intimate moments, painful moments, and frustration with all of you.  I cherish each of those moments, not because I desire to rekindle our affairs, but because they were all stepping stones to me becoming a mature woman, capable of loving without any fear and knowing how to deal with the issues that arise when a man & a woman are in love. Even though I had you for a certain time in my life, I thank you for preparing me for him -- the one I'm ready to love as soon as time & space allows. I pray sincerely that God blesses each of you abundantly & that you are blessed with much love because each of you deserve it.

Love Always,
Chandra

"It" Girl or Sophisticated Lady...pondering modern maturity

‘It’ Girl or Sophisticated Lady?

      Hello Lovelies!!! We hope your love life has been as active, interesting or as full of misadventure as ours…as we always say, the LoveJonesLifestyle is not for the faint of heart!

      Chandra Kamaria and I consider ourselves trendsetters…we often read about things we’ve talked about on LJL or in our personal lives months or in one case, years later, and because we know the power and importance of setting trends, especially when it comes to the image, lives and voice of Big Girls in the City, we regularly ponder and recommit to maintaining our space and voice in cyberspace. We explore the net relentlessly; reading news, online magazines, checkin’ out new tweeters and even examining the latest technology and social trends. Lately we’ve been discussing one of our favorite social networking sites, Twitter.

     While our lives have been enriched by the community space, connection to fellow artists and art connoisseurs and basic awareness and information exchange that Twitter offers, we’ve also become incredibly concerned about the representation we’ve seen of our sisters in tweeting. Obviously twitter is a social networking space, but it is also a space that provides real community if we allow it. And this, the social space of community, is what fuels our concern. Chandra brought it to my attention that there are literally hundreds (if not thousands) of young black women (or who represent themselves as such) who have embraced the “‘it’ girl” persona. You’ve seen the Facebook meme about “things _____ girls do on Facebook” no doubt, and if you’re in a certain demographic, you’ve also seen the hoards of young girls who describe themselves as “models” or “model-type” but are shown posing in their bathroom mirrors, not on a runway. I’ve got to give it to the sisters for their creativity; I often see really cute outfits, makeup and hairstyles. But, come on, who are we kidding? These young ladies are not models and often have no plans, careers or any other aspect of their real lives that would put them on track to model…anything!

      So we ask, what propels these women to represent themselves as such? Is the obsession with the Hollywood manufactured and determined “it” girl so pervasive that regular women around the way have forgotten the allure of the around the way girl!? Have they neglected natural Black beauty in exchange for a fantasy of fame (or infamy), facades and well, fakeness?

       Now, far be it from us to pass judgment on any other sister and how she chooses to represent herself, but we, as intellectual and artistic women have to pose the question, WHY is the “it” girl the representation that so many young sisters are choosing? What is the attraction to expressing oneself with an attitude that causes you to answer the Location question with the response “everywhere you’re not”? I mean, come on, we all know the “I’m just doing me, love me or hate me” blurb is a childish way to say “I don’t have to behave because ‘I’m grown’ and I don’t want to be called out on my bad behavior”, right?

      As women who desire the experience of love (and we ALL need to be loved) and support others in getting the healthy love they need and want, Chandra Kamaria and I have an obligation to not only promote getting said love, but also highlighting ways we block love from our lives, so that we can remove those blocks and get to the good part!
   
    So it is in the spirit of love that WE offer the beautiful songs, artistic expressions and models of womanhood that helped us get to be the sophisticated ladies we are today…because an it girl is just that, an ‘it’…dehumanized, an object of admiration until the public tires of her…a ‘girl’, a not yet fully actualized woman…and none of our sisters deserves to be dehumanized and disposed of, we all need space to grow, to self actualize, and receive the love we all want need and deserve.
     
      Stay tuned for the "Sophisticated Lady Series...music, photos and maybe even some special treats...and in the meantime tell us what you are doing to get to a healthy love. What models of womanhood showed you how to mature and value YOU? How are you living your LoveJonesLifestyle???

"I'm Open": The Beauty of Emotional Vulnerability

Whether we admit it or not, all of us have veils to cover our faces and fortresses around our hearts. Anything that will reveal the depth of our emotions is generally shielded from the piercing eyes of judgmental people, the predatory methods of leeches, and from those people that are looking to us for their guidance and support (we call it a show of strength). With the increasing onset of technology and how it has radically changed the way we communicate, we can easily express our thoughts without unearthing our emotional states. I have heard about breakups that happened via text message and Facebook. On the flip side, sexting has taken the place of raw and intimate conversations, which somehow renders the exchange as fruitless and unsexy. To me, it really can't get any more impersonal as that. Slowly, we're morphing into robots....and, unfortunately, many of us are okay with that.

Can you remember the last time you cried? If you do, will you admit it? Well, I can. It was this past weekend. I cried because I was broke...and I cannot stand being broke, especially when I think I shouldn't be financially strapped. Now, it wasn't one of those cries infused with hysterical sobbing (although I've been capable of a few of those), but rather one of those misty-eyed, six teardrop joints that would have readily indicated to anyone present that I wasn't happy. See, I cried alone -- and I didn't have to tell you that. But I did. It ain't no thang to me. I live in a constant space of Open because being emotionally vulnerable, from time to time, is a survival tactic for me. Through a free release of emotions, I'm able to keep my perspective about things, believe it or not.

It doesn't stop there with crying. My range of emotions can be covered through other forms of expression -- including profanity or cussing, which is, honestly, a personal favorite of mine. :-) Over the years, I tried to appease the traditional posturing when it comes to women and cussing.

"It's unlady-like to cuss."
"Christians shouldn't cuss."

Bullshit. Sometimes, a well placed 'shit' or 'fuck' can relieve the soul of unnecessary tension, leading to correctness in cognitive thinking because your emotions are not all dammed up and affecting that ability anymore. Ok, before I go any further, please understand that I am not talking about some kind of erratic emotional behavior. Besides, that kind of behavior is the result of someone who has tried to do too much 'cool-posing' and worked too hard to control their emotions. Then, they just break down. That's unhealthy. Emotional releases lead to balance, at least, I tend to think so.

Look, Life can do some underhanded things to us. It can unravel the best laid plans, unsuspectingly crush dreams, and mock desires in such a way that we will erroneously believe that things will never get better, or worse, we start thinking that we don't serve any purpose in the world. Our emotions is the gateway to clarity, which is essentially freedom. By actually 'feeling' for just a little while, we can cope better and come to terms with the fact that we may need a better game plan or clean house and confront some things in the Relationship Department.

Emotional releases can also uncover some insecurities we've hidden behind our accomplishments, reveal character flaws or overindulgence in bad habits. Whatever the case, to merely brush the effect off with a wave of nonchalance or faking strength can be dangerous sometimes. Our strength is not in walling up our emotions and putting on a tough face, but rather, it's in the acknowledgement of our hurt, anger, sadness, loneliness, fear, etc. Then, if we have to cry it out or cuss it out, so be it. Once we've dried our noses and the anger has subsided, there is an openness. At first, it may feel odd but embrace it because now you're ready to handle the matter at hand, perhaps in a way of brilliance that you would have never suspected.

Now, what does this have to do with the Love Jones Lifestyle? EVERYTHING. On this journey, we have to bear in mind that it's the Road Less Traveled and while there's fewer people, it's a bumpier road fraught with obstacles, disappointments, unexpected happenings, and broken expectations. You cannot afford to live according to Purpose and think that everything will align itself accordingly. On the contrary, the Status Quo lifestyle promises to be much smoother and easier to navigate because there's a blueprint. With the Love Jones Lifestyle, it's a lot like that compass that Captain Jack Sparrow had in the Pirates movies. Remember? The compass pointed in the direction of what his heart wanted the most -- and then he set sail. A map either didn't exist or it was created with some cryptic code that had to be deciphered. Regardless, there isn't an easy way and no shortcuts. Given those circumstances, it will behoove you to capture those specific times in your life when releasing your emotions are critical. It helps, also, to sob it out with a trusted ally. If there isn't an ally available, cry out to God in the middle of your living room. Go ahead! I do it all the time.

All I'm saying is, in the midst of your beautiful struggle, just remember that you are beautifully human.

Amen?