Letter to My Former Lovers...part deux

Letter to My Former Lovers…


When Chandra Kamaria suggested we share our experiences of love as a part of the “Sophisticated Ladies” Series, I immediately said yes. I literally jumped at the suggestion, and began making some notes in my head.

There was no acrimony or bitterness, but an eagerness instead. Although there is a particular lover I’d love to “tell off,” when I look at the situation with my highest self, that of a fully developed, wholly empowered, well educated, family centered, Goddess infused matriarch in training, I understand fully, that that one particular lover was in pain, severely damaged, and acting out in the best result driven ways contained in his personal arsenal.

Therefore, I’m able to say to him, despite his bad behavior, I understand. Because as I understand the source of his pain, I hope on some subliminal level that he also understood my passion. My drive to be coupled, to know him, and to join him on a journey of healing, something so valuable, was not something that could be forced. So, in knowing him, I also came face to face with my own impatience, stubbornness, and aggressive nature. All virtues in my professional struggles, but incredibly out of place in the loved filled space of a relationship. To this lover, I say thank you for being brave enough to stand on your no, when I was screaming yes. Your turning away, helped the true direction I needed to face. I am forever grateful for pointing out to me that my community holds all that I need.

To the lover that worked to be my everything despite my resistance, know that your work was not done in vain…we met at the best and worst of times. When I needed a friend, which you were, but not a lover, which you became. Your presences and absences were always felt intensely. I missed your childlike rambunctiousness when you traveled, yet it was this same personality that disrupted my naturally introverted peace seeking nature when you were present. I thank you for being man enough to share with me what I taught you, and for allowing me to grow up enough to tell you what I learned from you. I am so grateful that we were able to go our separate ways, yet maintain what is still one of the strongest and most valuable friendships in my life.

To the lover that should have been a summer romance, a fun and light affair, but unfortunately turned into a long drawn out and quite ugly and destructive union. I can only say that I am sorry. I hate that I didn’t trust myself enough to make the best decisions for the both of us. I’m disappointed that it was with you that I saw the ugliest parts of myself. The dissolution of our union forced me into a serious deep depression.  A stripping down of myself and the questioning of everything I “thought” I knew. The scars were deep, and no doubt others had to pay for my experiences with you. The only regret I harbor is that our children, to this day, suffer the consequences of our past irresponsibility, vindictiveness and lack of communication. I've made my peace with the past, but it is tempered with the knowledge that some things can not be undone, and certain consequences are permanent.

Finally…to the one who started it all. My high school sweetheart. My friend. You were there for me, supported me and loved me through all of my growing pains. When I needed a friend, you listened. When there were adventures to be had, you were at my side. You treated me like a lady, and acted like a gentleman. We exchanged our first kisses, and many other firsts, good and bad. I remember feeling grief over your deepest pains, and only disappointment at your lowest points, no matter how they affected me, I could never get angry with you. I am thankful for the shelter of our relationship throughout our child and young adult-hoods and thank you for releasing me when it was no longer safe to hold on.

Now that we are adults,  I am most thankful for your survival, your living and thriving. I am most impressed with the man you have become; holding on to your sanity, living your life as an artist and seeing opportunity at every turn. I have learned, after twenty years that you are still my friend. You are still the one who I would go anywhere with, my favorite companion for adventures. You are the shoulder on which I can always rest. You are my life partner, the one that I am eternally grateful to wake to and hear “Good Morning, my friend”

The Sista By His Side....

This photo still is taken from the 1974 motion picture, Black Belt Jones, starring Jim Kelly & Gloria Hendry. If you've ever seen the movie, then you would know that Gloria portrayed martial arts expert, Sydney, whose father was killed by the mob so her and Black Belt Jones set out to exact revenge. That's a typical set up for a Blaxploitation-era film. Nevertheless, in studying this photo some thirty something years later, the most striking aspect about it is the power stance of both Jones and Hendry. As you can see, neither one of them are cowering in fear as they willingly take on enemies stronger than the two of them. In the context of Black relationships, this photo speaks volumes. For one, Hendry's positioning beside Jones allows us to reason that she is far from being a damsel in distress. She doesn't need her bills paid, her children cared for, nor does she need to be wined and dined. In other words, she doesn't need saving as she has the ability to hold her own. Most importantly, she is standing side by side with her man, ready to fight with him.

The latter is the reason why I think so many men dig this picture. Countless rap and R&B songs have been made by male artists referring to the kind of woman that they want in their lives. She is almost always confident, independent, and more than anything, supportive.




In intimate conversations with male friends, they often lament about Black women and their lack of support. Any Black man worth his salt is fully aware of the odds against him and while he is more than eager to suit up in his armor and prove as many people wrong about his Black man-ness as he can, the war would be a lot easier if he had a woman by his side, ready to engage in battle with him. In that sense, many brothas feel like they have been let down. Oftentimes, they meet women who exhuberantly dole out their demands in a relationship without leaving much room for men to have their say. Most men know what's expected of them and tend to move directly into that role, but many of us, on the other hand, assume that we know what our men want.

Yes, cooking, cleaning, and giving him great sex is most appreciative, but....do you support the man's dreams and goals? Are you willing to go the distance with him as he embarks upon a destiny that will be difficult alone? Over here at the Lifestyle, it is our belief that even if a woman can't boil water, if her man knew that she was down for him like four flat tires and will ride with him no matter the season or the reason, he will happily eat take-out every night for the rest of his life....or else, he won't have any problem with doing most of the cooking.

So, why is this kind of support so important to a man? We'd love to hear some feedback from the brothas.

The Kanye v Barack Chronicles

I’ve never had a problem finding a man.

There, I’ve said it.

Not to be arrogant, or egotistical, or even boasting.

Just.being.honest.

I haven’t.

Whenever I’ve wanted a boyfriend, I’ve had one. When ever I’ve been single, I’ve had, shall we say, options.

My problem, rather, has always been choosing the right man.

You see, I’m an intellectual at heart. I love art, music, and theatre. I’m a cultural strategist. I love history, politics, and international intrigue. I’m a Libra; I love beauty, nature and balance. I love passion. I live by passion, if it doesn’t give me absolute bliss, then to hell with it. This goes for food, people, places, jobs, and activities. However, due to very practical, down to earth, Southern, working class parents, I’m also very pragmatic. I want the basics, I want them to be decent, and I’ll fill in the blanks for the extras.

However, this is *not* the best way to operate when selecting a mate…hence the Kanye versus Barack conundrum in which I always find myself.

It goes like this, I’ll be single, doing my thing, concentrating on a particular goal, living my life, y’ know, being ME- Zenzile- a woman who can overcome life’s obstacles, and make a way for herself…and along comes Kanye. Kanye is an art/music/book/everything beautiful lover like myself. Kanye, in fact IS beautiful. Kanye is always charming, energetic, exciting, off on a new adventure and ready to take you with him. Kanye takes you new places, introduces you to new things, and seems too good to be true. This, of course, is because Kanye IS too good to be true. Kanye is Peter Pan. He is a child in a man’s body, with male privilege, and free reign to pretend he is an adult, until he doesn’t want to be. Kanye pouts when the real world rains on his adventure parade. Kanye may or may not want to do what you want to do on any given day. Kanye is NOT practical…

In the midst of feeling an inkling of something maybe being a little wrong with Kanye, Barack shows up. Barack is solid. He’s a gentleman; he’s smart, intelligent, but not brilliant, like Kanye. Barack is polite, thoughtful, and would never drag you running through the rain to a shack by a lake and call it an adventure, he’d call it an inconvenience, and you’d have to sit in the car quietly waiting until the rain stopped, making polite conversation.

Barack appreciates that you know about art, theater, and literature, in fact, he respects your intelligence, and never tries to compete with it, or you. Barack is practical, he is protective, he is proud of you, hell, he’s proud just to KNOW you.

And there you are, sitting there, the choice, ever so softly, landing in your lap…you know good and well, things with Kanye will end badly. He’s an overgrown child. He’ll try, he really will. Maybe even masquerade AS Barack, for a while. But he can’t hold back who he is, and soon, just like in the story, Pan must fly back to Neverland. If you try and hold him to you, beware, for then you’ll be introduced to a completely new side of him…left wishing you had indeed followed the REAL Mr. West’s advice to “Run away”.

Barack, however, is loyal. He listens, he watches you, and he knows exactly what you need, if only you’d allow him to share it with you. And one day, when you tire of chasing rainbows, you’ll allow him to share it too. You’ve seen glimpses of Barack’s kindness. He’s been there, painfully listening and watching when you inevitably have to pick up the pieces of your broken heart left by Kanye. He lets you fall asleep on his sofa after trying to distract you with pizza and movies, leaving his favorite sweatshirt tear-stained. He hates seeing you this way, but is smart, perceptive, and patient enough to know that no matter how badly he wants you, you’re not ready for him.

So this is where I am. I’ve met Kanye and Barack at least three times in my life, but this time, this ONE time, I’m submitting to a higher power, I’m allowing myself to be guided by something more divine than my passion, more developed than my “taste,” bigger than seduction. I’m choosing Barack, and not because I’ve been burned by the Kanyes, I still love them, their sense of adventure, boyish good looks, talent, brilliance, and charm, but I’ve finally realized what I overlooked in my pursuit of passion. With Barack, I can be both grounded and lifted, I can be supported and offer support, I can build and be sheltered, I can plant, and grow. Barack will offer me the balance I so desperately need, allowing me to be a better ME.

With Barack, I no longer have to pursue passion vicariously. He provides the foundation that allows me to actually evolve and experience my own passionate self. He is gentle, quiet, and still enough to be a mirror, allowing me to finally see my own fire, my own value, my own shine. Once I finally decided to get out of my own way, and accept that there was something better, different, more powerful, exactly what I needed showed up.

This is a key part of living the LoveJonesLifestyle. We must learn to get out of the way of the blossoming of our talent, our goals, even our love…Have you ever gotten in the way of receiving your BEST?