Grown WomanNess...

Happy New Year from LoveJonesLifestyle to all of you who check us out, no matter how sporadic we post! Lol! What can we say? We live. Sometimes, the discussions about what needs to be seen on this blog are so in depth and enthusiastic, but then when it comes to putting ink to the paper or more appropriately, keystrokes to the post, we fall short because life will call us by our first names and send us on a load of errands. We have jobs to work, families to care for, art to create, etc. While twenty-four hours seem like a long time, it's really not when you're attempting to squeeze eighteen hours worth of life management into it. Once we do get settled, Zenzile and I may pull up a post, hit a few sentences, and then lose our fight to remain awake long enough to finish it. But that's what we do. It's our Grown WomanNess.

Both of us have noticed that the interwebs are full of spirited voices of Black women, speaking on a host of issues and topics, however, we've also noticed that many of their commentaries reek of a bit of immaturity, largely due to the fact that we're not in that mental space anymore. Zenzile & I are part of, what I like to call, the Slo Woman group. I have to give credit to Mint Condition for this concept. They have a song on their recently released album, Music @ the Speed of Life, by the same name. I would say that the Slo Woman group is about 35 and over.  Members of this group have graduated to this point where certain issues have lost their critical weight in our lives. We're not having full-fledged discourses about our 'nerdiness' or fashion sense. We snub our noses at about 90% of popular culture as we're not concerned about being apart of trends so much as we're interested in setting them.  We're not even tempted to randomly mention that rash of reality shows that have permeated so much of Black culture.

Instead, we engage in heady and frank discussions about things like art, culture, emotionality, sexuality, and spirituality over good glasses of wine, or in Zenzile's case, Starbucks coffee.  Our approaches to life are highly customized based on the philosophies that we've acquired by way of Fuck-Ups and we're fully capable of readjusting our sails if the winds of change blow us from East to West, North to South.  Now, whatever you do, don't take us for a group of prudes or snobs as we are FAR from that. The Slo Woman group is filled with women who make self-definition sexy. We exist as we are and make no apologies for it.    

So, as we kick off a new year, we owe it to you, our readers, to be more visible here at LoveJonesLifestyle. While the number of our posts may not indicate it, we do have a lot to say and even more to share. Please, do us a favor. If you're on Facebook, find our LoveJonesLifestyle fanpage, like it and join us this year for some stimulating discussion and sign up to this blog so you won't miss any of our posts. Remember, we live and while we expect to post more content in 2013, we're not gonna make any promises that we can't keep by telling you to look for two-five posts a month and then barely get one posted.  See, that's something else that Grown Women do -- set realistic expectations. :-)

Blessings,
Chandra Kamaria  

Grown and Sexy? Redefining being Grown...

Much of today's discussion about adulthood has been centered around the notion of being "grown and sexy". The reality though, if you'll think about the awesome days of childhood, is that there's not much about being grown that's "sexy". Remember back in the day? endless days of play, visits to relatives, schoolyard fun and being relatively carefree? Adulthood, for most of us is just the opposite.

Of course, here at LJL we work to make sure our adulthoods contain those elements that made us happiest as kids; music, art, love, friendship and community. 

Which brings me to my point. Isn't it time we redefined what being "grown" really is. Surely there's more to adulthood than being "sexy".

The grownups I talk to, respect and admire often emphasize the friendships they share with their loved one or significant other as the highlight of their adult relationships, not the sex. The reality is, in a world where being grown came relatively easy to our parents generation, (graduate from school, secure "good" job with benefits, and begin a family) those same markers are often elusive to Generation X and Millennials. The current economic climate has sent many of us right back to our parents' basements, and because of the relaxed climate around marriage and expanding structure/definition of family, the stability and security our parents generation experienced just is not a guarantee.

My thinking around being "grown,"  although my current life closely resembles traditionalism, although through a VERY non-traditional path,  has been altered as I think about the significance of adulthood.

For me, adulthood is less about establishing my own autonomy, and more about being of use to my community. So, while I do work to move forward in my own career, accomplish personal goals and  build and invest in my family, part of my work as an adult is to take advantage of the opportunity it gives me to be of use to more than just myself.

As an educator, my paid work is closely tied to community support. I do way more work than I am paid for, and my hours off the clock never really mean I am off. It doesn't end in the classroom and with more technology comes more access, and more opportunities to teach. My subject matter often means that I not only serve as an academic, but also engage in the work of guiding the personal and emotional maturing of my students.

As a parent, of course I see myself as wholly responsible for the success of my sons, even though they are surrounded by wonderfully supportive extended family, educators, child care workers, neighbors and friends.
But I'm also incredibly concerned about their social circle, and of course the young ladies they attend school with. I'm  concerned about their educational institutions and community activities that are available to all kids.

Lately, I've been engaged in a significant amount of volunteer work and have found a great deal of satisfaction in doing work that supports my community in multiple ways. In this work, I've found the true meaning of being "grown". Its not simply growth, or maturity, but becoming an individual that is useful to the community in a variety of ways.

How do YOU do "grown" LJL family???

Letter to My Former Lovers...part deux

Letter to My Former Lovers…


When Chandra Kamaria suggested we share our experiences of love as a part of the “Sophisticated Ladies” Series, I immediately said yes. I literally jumped at the suggestion, and began making some notes in my head.

There was no acrimony or bitterness, but an eagerness instead. Although there is a particular lover I’d love to “tell off,” when I look at the situation with my highest self, that of a fully developed, wholly empowered, well educated, family centered, Goddess infused matriarch in training, I understand fully, that that one particular lover was in pain, severely damaged, and acting out in the best result driven ways contained in his personal arsenal.

Therefore, I’m able to say to him, despite his bad behavior, I understand. Because as I understand the source of his pain, I hope on some subliminal level that he also understood my passion. My drive to be coupled, to know him, and to join him on a journey of healing, something so valuable, was not something that could be forced. So, in knowing him, I also came face to face with my own impatience, stubbornness, and aggressive nature. All virtues in my professional struggles, but incredibly out of place in the loved filled space of a relationship. To this lover, I say thank you for being brave enough to stand on your no, when I was screaming yes. Your turning away, helped the true direction I needed to face. I am forever grateful for pointing out to me that my community holds all that I need.

To the lover that worked to be my everything despite my resistance, know that your work was not done in vain…we met at the best and worst of times. When I needed a friend, which you were, but not a lover, which you became. Your presences and absences were always felt intensely. I missed your childlike rambunctiousness when you traveled, yet it was this same personality that disrupted my naturally introverted peace seeking nature when you were present. I thank you for being man enough to share with me what I taught you, and for allowing me to grow up enough to tell you what I learned from you. I am so grateful that we were able to go our separate ways, yet maintain what is still one of the strongest and most valuable friendships in my life.

To the lover that should have been a summer romance, a fun and light affair, but unfortunately turned into a long drawn out and quite ugly and destructive union. I can only say that I am sorry. I hate that I didn’t trust myself enough to make the best decisions for the both of us. I’m disappointed that it was with you that I saw the ugliest parts of myself. The dissolution of our union forced me into a serious deep depression.  A stripping down of myself and the questioning of everything I “thought” I knew. The scars were deep, and no doubt others had to pay for my experiences with you. The only regret I harbor is that our children, to this day, suffer the consequences of our past irresponsibility, vindictiveness and lack of communication. I've made my peace with the past, but it is tempered with the knowledge that some things can not be undone, and certain consequences are permanent.

Finally…to the one who started it all. My high school sweetheart. My friend. You were there for me, supported me and loved me through all of my growing pains. When I needed a friend, you listened. When there were adventures to be had, you were at my side. You treated me like a lady, and acted like a gentleman. We exchanged our first kisses, and many other firsts, good and bad. I remember feeling grief over your deepest pains, and only disappointment at your lowest points, no matter how they affected me, I could never get angry with you. I am thankful for the shelter of our relationship throughout our child and young adult-hoods and thank you for releasing me when it was no longer safe to hold on.

Now that we are adults,  I am most thankful for your survival, your living and thriving. I am most impressed with the man you have become; holding on to your sanity, living your life as an artist and seeing opportunity at every turn. I have learned, after twenty years that you are still my friend. You are still the one who I would go anywhere with, my favorite companion for adventures. You are the shoulder on which I can always rest. You are my life partner, the one that I am eternally grateful to wake to and hear “Good Morning, my friend”

An Open Letter to My Ex-Lovers

Note: In the power of being a grown woman, a sophisticated lady as my sister Zenzile dubs it, I believe it necessary to make universal statements. These revelations spoken, or in this case written, out loud are for the express purpose of cleaning out my emotional closet so that I can welcome feelings for a new lover. I strongly encourage all of our readers to embrace your unexpressed feelings & to write an open letter to your ex-lovers so you can be wide open to experience the joy & beauty of loving again -- loving again without reservations, hesitations, or pent up frustrations. Here's my open letter as an example for you to follow. ---

May 2, 2012
10:19pm

Dear Ex-Lovers:

This is not a letter to bash or to speak ill will into your lives. I do not have a desire to avenge any hurt nor do I harbor anger for any of you beautiful brothas. Instead, this is a letter thanking you for your presence in my life. Without knowing you & loving you, I wouldn't know me or understand how I love. I realize that each one of you taught me something about who I am & for that, I will be forever grateful. Even though I hated it at the time, I appreciate those occasions when you called me out on my mess. I was wrong a lot and two of you didn't hesitate to tell me, even though you knew you'd be met with a few choice words for doing so.

Over the years, I came to realize that it wasn't about me being too small to own up to my mistakes. No, it was something much deeper than that.  I didn't want to be wrong in your eyes.  I wanted you to see me as close to perfect as possible. Silly, I know. But that is my truth. You knew me better than I was willing to admit at the time.  I didn't want to be that transparent.  I felt you would have taken advantage of that so, deliberately, I tried to be evasive but neither one of you fell for that, thank God.

One of you used to make me cry but you didn't know it. My pride wouldn't allow me to display such 'weakness' before you.  That's why I preferred to keep a straight face & let my big mouth & cuss words do it all for me.  It was a smoke screen.  You were so fine to me and all I wanted to do was keep you, but somehow, when I tried to express that, the words would get stalled in my throat. That's why you couldn't grasp what I was saying. I wasn't telling you the whole truth. You went on with your life, doing what you wanted to do & I held a grudge against you for it. For some reason, I actually thought that you could read my mind & know that I wanted us to be together. Some years later, I was able to confess a lot to you and how I felt things went down between us. You confessed your wrongdoings & that was enough for me, but you took it a step further and healed me with your apology. Thank you.

Yes, I remember you all well.  From high school, you, my first love, wouldn't let me get off the phone in the late hours of the night until I told you that I loved you.  It still puzzles me to this day why your life went in the direction that it did.  When I was in undergrad, receiving your letters from prison, I couldn't respond because telling you how disappointed I was with you wasn't going to help your situation at all. However, I am thankful to God that your life is so much better now. You have a wife and a beautiful crop of children. You're doing well and that's a true blessing. To the scrawny cutie that would sneak out of his mama's house to come over just because I told him to, we are all grown up now & life is different for the both of us. I hope our recent argument won't sour our 20+ year friendship for good.

To the preacher's kid, your letters brought big smiles to my face and made me feel so special knowing that a Navy man was somewhere with his mind on me.  On Valentine's Day 1991, I cried on the way home from school because everyone was getting their gifts & you were in Afghanistan as part of Operation Desert Storm. But my heart leaped for joy when I opened that package left on my doorstep; a dozen red roses along with a card and a letter sent me into orbit. Please forgive me for breaking up with you once I got to college. It was for the best because I knew I wasn't going to be faithful.

To the one who laid beside me as I received a late night phone call with bad news about a family member, I thank you for consoling me that night. On another note, you have the goofiest laugh but I enjoyed hearing it, especially when I was acting silly! Even though we couldn't ever get our thing together, I still had a great time hanging out with you shooting pool & cooking for you.

There were so many good times; lots of laughter, intimate moments, painful moments, and frustration with all of you.  I cherish each of those moments, not because I desire to rekindle our affairs, but because they were all stepping stones to me becoming a mature woman, capable of loving without any fear and knowing how to deal with the issues that arise when a man & a woman are in love. Even though I had you for a certain time in my life, I thank you for preparing me for him -- the one I'm ready to love as soon as time & space allows. I pray sincerely that God blesses each of you abundantly & that you are blessed with much love because each of you deserve it.

Love Always,
Chandra

"It" Girl or Sophisticated Lady...pondering modern maturity

‘It’ Girl or Sophisticated Lady?

      Hello Lovelies!!! We hope your love life has been as active, interesting or as full of misadventure as ours…as we always say, the LoveJonesLifestyle is not for the faint of heart!

      Chandra Kamaria and I consider ourselves trendsetters…we often read about things we’ve talked about on LJL or in our personal lives months or in one case, years later, and because we know the power and importance of setting trends, especially when it comes to the image, lives and voice of Big Girls in the City, we regularly ponder and recommit to maintaining our space and voice in cyberspace. We explore the net relentlessly; reading news, online magazines, checkin’ out new tweeters and even examining the latest technology and social trends. Lately we’ve been discussing one of our favorite social networking sites, Twitter.

     While our lives have been enriched by the community space, connection to fellow artists and art connoisseurs and basic awareness and information exchange that Twitter offers, we’ve also become incredibly concerned about the representation we’ve seen of our sisters in tweeting. Obviously twitter is a social networking space, but it is also a space that provides real community if we allow it. And this, the social space of community, is what fuels our concern. Chandra brought it to my attention that there are literally hundreds (if not thousands) of young black women (or who represent themselves as such) who have embraced the “‘it’ girl” persona. You’ve seen the Facebook meme about “things _____ girls do on Facebook” no doubt, and if you’re in a certain demographic, you’ve also seen the hoards of young girls who describe themselves as “models” or “model-type” but are shown posing in their bathroom mirrors, not on a runway. I’ve got to give it to the sisters for their creativity; I often see really cute outfits, makeup and hairstyles. But, come on, who are we kidding? These young ladies are not models and often have no plans, careers or any other aspect of their real lives that would put them on track to model…anything!

      So we ask, what propels these women to represent themselves as such? Is the obsession with the Hollywood manufactured and determined “it” girl so pervasive that regular women around the way have forgotten the allure of the around the way girl!? Have they neglected natural Black beauty in exchange for a fantasy of fame (or infamy), facades and well, fakeness?

       Now, far be it from us to pass judgment on any other sister and how she chooses to represent herself, but we, as intellectual and artistic women have to pose the question, WHY is the “it” girl the representation that so many young sisters are choosing? What is the attraction to expressing oneself with an attitude that causes you to answer the Location question with the response “everywhere you’re not”? I mean, come on, we all know the “I’m just doing me, love me or hate me” blurb is a childish way to say “I don’t have to behave because ‘I’m grown’ and I don’t want to be called out on my bad behavior”, right?

      As women who desire the experience of love (and we ALL need to be loved) and support others in getting the healthy love they need and want, Chandra Kamaria and I have an obligation to not only promote getting said love, but also highlighting ways we block love from our lives, so that we can remove those blocks and get to the good part!
   
    So it is in the spirit of love that WE offer the beautiful songs, artistic expressions and models of womanhood that helped us get to be the sophisticated ladies we are today…because an it girl is just that, an ‘it’…dehumanized, an object of admiration until the public tires of her…a ‘girl’, a not yet fully actualized woman…and none of our sisters deserves to be dehumanized and disposed of, we all need space to grow, to self actualize, and receive the love we all want need and deserve.
     
      Stay tuned for the "Sophisticated Lady Series...music, photos and maybe even some special treats...and in the meantime tell us what you are doing to get to a healthy love. What models of womanhood showed you how to mature and value YOU? How are you living your LoveJonesLifestyle???

The Sista By His Side....

This photo still is taken from the 1974 motion picture, Black Belt Jones, starring Jim Kelly & Gloria Hendry. If you've ever seen the movie, then you would know that Gloria portrayed martial arts expert, Sydney, whose father was killed by the mob so her and Black Belt Jones set out to exact revenge. That's a typical set up for a Blaxploitation-era film. Nevertheless, in studying this photo some thirty something years later, the most striking aspect about it is the power stance of both Jones and Hendry. As you can see, neither one of them are cowering in fear as they willingly take on enemies stronger than the two of them. In the context of Black relationships, this photo speaks volumes. For one, Hendry's positioning beside Jones allows us to reason that she is far from being a damsel in distress. She doesn't need her bills paid, her children cared for, nor does she need to be wined and dined. In other words, she doesn't need saving as she has the ability to hold her own. Most importantly, she is standing side by side with her man, ready to fight with him.

The latter is the reason why I think so many men dig this picture. Countless rap and R&B songs have been made by male artists referring to the kind of woman that they want in their lives. She is almost always confident, independent, and more than anything, supportive.




In intimate conversations with male friends, they often lament about Black women and their lack of support. Any Black man worth his salt is fully aware of the odds against him and while he is more than eager to suit up in his armor and prove as many people wrong about his Black man-ness as he can, the war would be a lot easier if he had a woman by his side, ready to engage in battle with him. In that sense, many brothas feel like they have been let down. Oftentimes, they meet women who exhuberantly dole out their demands in a relationship without leaving much room for men to have their say. Most men know what's expected of them and tend to move directly into that role, but many of us, on the other hand, assume that we know what our men want.

Yes, cooking, cleaning, and giving him great sex is most appreciative, but....do you support the man's dreams and goals? Are you willing to go the distance with him as he embarks upon a destiny that will be difficult alone? Over here at the Lifestyle, it is our belief that even if a woman can't boil water, if her man knew that she was down for him like four flat tires and will ride with him no matter the season or the reason, he will happily eat take-out every night for the rest of his life....or else, he won't have any problem with doing most of the cooking.

So, why is this kind of support so important to a man? We'd love to hear some feedback from the brothas.

The Good News? Sisterhood!

"Love, is a many splendored thing"…And today, we here at LoveJonesLifestyle are excited to participate for the first time in the Good News Tuesday Blog carnival initiated by Wayne Hicks over at The AfroSpear .
Today’s good news celebrates the love of sisterhood, the magic of the internet and the operation of the Universe at its most divine heights.

About two years ago, while recovering from a very painful breakup and the subsequent end of a six year relationship, I embarked on a process of reinvention. The steps I followed, almost instinctively, mirror those of the 31 Day Restart
organized by Ms. Rosetta Thurmond of www.happyblackwoman.com

One of the most important steps I took was joining an on line community of women, known as the Black Mom’s Club founded by Sister LaShanda Henry. The women of BMC as we affectionately called our group consisted of women from various walks of life, a few men who supported us in our efforts, and lots and lots of love, advice, expertise and desire to connect.

That fateful decision made literally years ago, in the midst of a pieced together recovery process led not only to my first experiences at blogging, but to the knowledge that I was not alone, an entry into a healthy community of women who were willing to discuss difficult issues in parenting and relationships, and a treasure trove of resources related to education, health, wellness and support. There were hundreds of groups in the club, from moms of boys all the way to home schooling. We engaged in spirited and lively debates, shared resources about relocation, and supported many a single sister through pregnancy and the early stages of motherhood.

Recently, I had the opportunity to bring an on line friendship into the real world, and was pleasantly surprised that instead of a casual acquaintance, I ended up meeting a woman with whom I shared so much in common that our meeting could not simply be attributed to mere coincidence, but to the divine orchestrations of the Universe itself.

Over a two hour coffee date, we discovered we not only attended the same school, but held the same major, and similar career plans. We had worked in the same field prior to completing our educations, and both appreciated the necessity for mentorship as a part of our relationships. We even delved a bit into our relationships with men, spirituality, and the need for sisterhood. The recognition of this need was a turning point in my view of my new acquaintance. For all of the negative publicity women receive (See the Crunk Feminist Collective’s take on RHOA and other Black Woman Drama here ) I was happy to meet someone who operated in the spirit of true friendship and sisterhood. It was truly pleasant to encounter someone who had a healthy view of herself, others and life in general.

In our pursuit of the LoveJonesLifestyle we often become consumed by the process of creation, our art, and “keeping our heads above water”. However, we know, without a doubt that community and often for women, sisterhood is the place that offers us the safety and strength to ply our wares in the marketplace. Our communities nurture us and encourage us to share our talent with the marketplace. Without those special sister to sister relationships, we are often left unanchored, lost and alone. How do you take time to create the community you want, need and that will ultimately allow you to flourish?


* photo courtesy of www.corbisimages.com