Grown WomanNess...

Happy New Year from LoveJonesLifestyle to all of you who check us out, no matter how sporadic we post! Lol! What can we say? We live. Sometimes, the discussions about what needs to be seen on this blog are so in depth and enthusiastic, but then when it comes to putting ink to the paper or more appropriately, keystrokes to the post, we fall short because life will call us by our first names and send us on a load of errands. We have jobs to work, families to care for, art to create, etc. While twenty-four hours seem like a long time, it's really not when you're attempting to squeeze eighteen hours worth of life management into it. Once we do get settled, Zenzile and I may pull up a post, hit a few sentences, and then lose our fight to remain awake long enough to finish it. But that's what we do. It's our Grown WomanNess.

Both of us have noticed that the interwebs are full of spirited voices of Black women, speaking on a host of issues and topics, however, we've also noticed that many of their commentaries reek of a bit of immaturity, largely due to the fact that we're not in that mental space anymore. Zenzile & I are part of, what I like to call, the Slo Woman group. I have to give credit to Mint Condition for this concept. They have a song on their recently released album, Music @ the Speed of Life, by the same name. I would say that the Slo Woman group is about 35 and over.  Members of this group have graduated to this point where certain issues have lost their critical weight in our lives. We're not having full-fledged discourses about our 'nerdiness' or fashion sense. We snub our noses at about 90% of popular culture as we're not concerned about being apart of trends so much as we're interested in setting them.  We're not even tempted to randomly mention that rash of reality shows that have permeated so much of Black culture.

Instead, we engage in heady and frank discussions about things like art, culture, emotionality, sexuality, and spirituality over good glasses of wine, or in Zenzile's case, Starbucks coffee.  Our approaches to life are highly customized based on the philosophies that we've acquired by way of Fuck-Ups and we're fully capable of readjusting our sails if the winds of change blow us from East to West, North to South.  Now, whatever you do, don't take us for a group of prudes or snobs as we are FAR from that. The Slo Woman group is filled with women who make self-definition sexy. We exist as we are and make no apologies for it.    

So, as we kick off a new year, we owe it to you, our readers, to be more visible here at LoveJonesLifestyle. While the number of our posts may not indicate it, we do have a lot to say and even more to share. Please, do us a favor. If you're on Facebook, find our LoveJonesLifestyle fanpage, like it and join us this year for some stimulating discussion and sign up to this blog so you won't miss any of our posts. Remember, we live and while we expect to post more content in 2013, we're not gonna make any promises that we can't keep by telling you to look for two-five posts a month and then barely get one posted.  See, that's something else that Grown Women do -- set realistic expectations. :-)

Blessings,
Chandra Kamaria  

Letter to My Former Lovers...part deux

Letter to My Former Lovers…


When Chandra Kamaria suggested we share our experiences of love as a part of the “Sophisticated Ladies” Series, I immediately said yes. I literally jumped at the suggestion, and began making some notes in my head.

There was no acrimony or bitterness, but an eagerness instead. Although there is a particular lover I’d love to “tell off,” when I look at the situation with my highest self, that of a fully developed, wholly empowered, well educated, family centered, Goddess infused matriarch in training, I understand fully, that that one particular lover was in pain, severely damaged, and acting out in the best result driven ways contained in his personal arsenal.

Therefore, I’m able to say to him, despite his bad behavior, I understand. Because as I understand the source of his pain, I hope on some subliminal level that he also understood my passion. My drive to be coupled, to know him, and to join him on a journey of healing, something so valuable, was not something that could be forced. So, in knowing him, I also came face to face with my own impatience, stubbornness, and aggressive nature. All virtues in my professional struggles, but incredibly out of place in the loved filled space of a relationship. To this lover, I say thank you for being brave enough to stand on your no, when I was screaming yes. Your turning away, helped the true direction I needed to face. I am forever grateful for pointing out to me that my community holds all that I need.

To the lover that worked to be my everything despite my resistance, know that your work was not done in vain…we met at the best and worst of times. When I needed a friend, which you were, but not a lover, which you became. Your presences and absences were always felt intensely. I missed your childlike rambunctiousness when you traveled, yet it was this same personality that disrupted my naturally introverted peace seeking nature when you were present. I thank you for being man enough to share with me what I taught you, and for allowing me to grow up enough to tell you what I learned from you. I am so grateful that we were able to go our separate ways, yet maintain what is still one of the strongest and most valuable friendships in my life.

To the lover that should have been a summer romance, a fun and light affair, but unfortunately turned into a long drawn out and quite ugly and destructive union. I can only say that I am sorry. I hate that I didn’t trust myself enough to make the best decisions for the both of us. I’m disappointed that it was with you that I saw the ugliest parts of myself. The dissolution of our union forced me into a serious deep depression.  A stripping down of myself and the questioning of everything I “thought” I knew. The scars were deep, and no doubt others had to pay for my experiences with you. The only regret I harbor is that our children, to this day, suffer the consequences of our past irresponsibility, vindictiveness and lack of communication. I've made my peace with the past, but it is tempered with the knowledge that some things can not be undone, and certain consequences are permanent.

Finally…to the one who started it all. My high school sweetheart. My friend. You were there for me, supported me and loved me through all of my growing pains. When I needed a friend, you listened. When there were adventures to be had, you were at my side. You treated me like a lady, and acted like a gentleman. We exchanged our first kisses, and many other firsts, good and bad. I remember feeling grief over your deepest pains, and only disappointment at your lowest points, no matter how they affected me, I could never get angry with you. I am thankful for the shelter of our relationship throughout our child and young adult-hoods and thank you for releasing me when it was no longer safe to hold on.

Now that we are adults,  I am most thankful for your survival, your living and thriving. I am most impressed with the man you have become; holding on to your sanity, living your life as an artist and seeing opportunity at every turn. I have learned, after twenty years that you are still my friend. You are still the one who I would go anywhere with, my favorite companion for adventures. You are the shoulder on which I can always rest. You are my life partner, the one that I am eternally grateful to wake to and hear “Good Morning, my friend”

For all those lives you've ruined...

It's the Revenge of the Nice Guy! you know you've listened to some crap rap, some trap rap, some rap about cars, booty and dope slanging...you thought you did it in secret, until you accidentally burst out with the chorus at the wrong place, the wrong time and in the wrong crowd...Um hmm, it's ok, we've all done it.

However, no "deed" goes unpunished, and for that, we're now subject to Revenge...

Fortunately for us mere humans, art, like god, teaches lessons through education, not punishment. Fathom 9, a steady presence on the hip hop scene in Memphis who has taken his work across the Northeast, from Chicago to New York and back in various incarnations such as the Genesis Experiment and IMC or Iron Mic Coalition serves his revenge with fervor serving not to decimate (although lesser emcees would argue that point) but to explicate. To provide for the neophyte and hip hop aficionado alike a return to (or example of) a musical form that is simultaneously a critique, a cry and the language of an entire culture.

With the theme of "revenge", Fathom9 modeled his show and album release after the film/comic V for Vendetta, releasing the work on the fifth of November and the cameo appearance of a legion of masked V's in the audience. Primed for a revolution through terrorizing lesser emcee's, the city of Memphis and visitors from the tri-state area were served with quite the COLD dish!

Deneka Lottalox started the set with a couple of smooth songs before she really opened up and gave us the live version of Black Girls Rock. Her voice, emotion, and lyricism were all showcased in her performance of original work that the world desperately needs.

By the time Fathom9 graced the stage, the audience had been treated to work from both The Genesis Experiment and the Iron Mic Coalition, a nice lead up to the main event. When Fathom9 appeared there was a palpable sense that he was not alone; the crowd was with him. A literal huddle formed, as supporters and fans alike formed a protective circle along the periphery of the stage to indulge themselves in the historic moment. The official ass kicking and name taking that was Revenge!!!! As a fan and supporter, after months of hearing snippets, sneak peaks, sample tracks and verses, I still was not prepared for the full force of Fathom's voice, music and presence in the same place and at the same time. The emcee's energy level was incredible. Fathom delivers spitfire verses with a power and force that can only be described as a dominating passion.

Revenge is the perfect title as Fathom broke down the problems of the music industry, so called artists, his community and society in general. Through his lyricism alone, he demands and dares other "rappers" to step their game up. His self- produced music, which he explained were generated from the inability to find beats intense enough for his material yet sophisticated enough for his sensibilities, are a cultured mix. In the concert space, familiar sounds from the past juxtaposed themselves against the imagery of the present, the energy of the crowd and the emotional release we all felt, finally absolving us of our sins. Dipped in the waters of true hip hop, our musical vices were no more...

Fathom9's music is intense enough to rattle your bones and complex enough to unravel your mind. Revenge has been exacted.If you need to get your musical soul washed, start here, buy the album, then let us know how YOU live, the LoveJonesLifestyle.

Cotton Candy & Fighting with the Nip in the Air

I've been craving cotton candy for the past few days now. In love with the confection ever since I was a young girl, my trips to the State Fair wasn't complete without my annual rides on the Zipper, the Himalaya, the Round Up, and my treat of cotton candy. I thoroughly enjoyed the stickiness of it on my fingers and how it melted on my tongue. It wasn't until I was a teenager hanging out with a serious crush that I realized cotton candy had another effect and other uses as well. Ha! Anyway, here I am, seriously in need of a big bag of cotton candy so I can chase away the blues brought on by the onset of Fall and the ensuing Winter days ahead. For the record, I don't like Fall/Winter, mostly because I don't like cold weather and all of the clothes I have to wear to stay warm.

At the time of this writing, my central heat has been on since last night-- I believe the temp was about 50 something degrees....and it's only October. So, you can imagine how I am during the dead of Winter. My temp setting hovers around 80 degrees because I like it toasty. While I will stop short of saying that I deal with the clinical version of seasonal depression, I will say that I struggle a bit with being my lively self when it comes nippy days and nights. It's just something a bit sad about watching the leaves fall from the trees and that constant nip in the air that whisks around my face. It's a good thing that I have football season.

The Fall/Winter is also the unofficial start of Boo Season, humorously dubbed so because it seems as though single people make an extra special effort to land a Boo so they can keep their toes warm during the short days and long nights. The thought behind Boo Season is that the current Boo is supposed to take one through the holidays, including Valentine's Day but as soon as the days begin warming up again, one can ceremoniously cut their Boo loose so that they can frolic and enjoy the bees of Summer (read: have happy little Summer flings). While I use the term from time to time, I really don't care much for its connotation. But then, I don't care much for anything that trivializes the beautiful process of blossoming love affairs and relationships.

Here, at the LJL, we're continuing to experience the dynamics of our love lives, while searching deep within to uncover some honest truths about who we are and what we really want. I will have more time than Zenzile, perhaps, because I'm deeply engaged in the business of shutting down social activities so I can focus on writing and planning for 2012. My Summer left something to be desired and, if anything, it proved to me that I gotta work harder to produce and grow. My theory is that my love life will blossom even more once I'm free from the confines of the corporate slum. So, that's my agenda for the coming months--get free and focused before it warms up again. As a single gal, my voluntary existence of being a Shut In/Recluse for the Fall/Winter doesn't sound exciting and you would think I would do my part to find social outlets to meet a potential Boo for the chilly nights.

But, that's not my challenge. I'm not exactly worried about meeting someone as I'm in deep thought about how to approach and manage a potential situation that can become quite complicated. You know how it is -- it starts off being clear cut and easy to read, then some words are said -- and the next thing you know, it's that gray matter that leaves you guessing, wondering, and trying to figure out what move you need to make. At the same time, I'm also at conflict with my usual 'cover every angle' approach, desiring to just caste all weight aside and dive right in. You see, I don't know what delicious excitement awaits me if I just dismantle my guard and let 'somebody walk up behind me and kiss me on my neck' -- Erykah Badu style, ya dig? Maybe I can get it on this Winter and put it down just like Noel Gourdin's 'Summertime'. Might be the best way to fight the nip in the air, ya know?

So, what's your plans for the upcoming Chilly Season?

"I'm Open": The Beauty of Emotional Vulnerability

Whether we admit it or not, all of us have veils to cover our faces and fortresses around our hearts. Anything that will reveal the depth of our emotions is generally shielded from the piercing eyes of judgmental people, the predatory methods of leeches, and from those people that are looking to us for their guidance and support (we call it a show of strength). With the increasing onset of technology and how it has radically changed the way we communicate, we can easily express our thoughts without unearthing our emotional states. I have heard about breakups that happened via text message and Facebook. On the flip side, sexting has taken the place of raw and intimate conversations, which somehow renders the exchange as fruitless and unsexy. To me, it really can't get any more impersonal as that. Slowly, we're morphing into robots....and, unfortunately, many of us are okay with that.

Can you remember the last time you cried? If you do, will you admit it? Well, I can. It was this past weekend. I cried because I was broke...and I cannot stand being broke, especially when I think I shouldn't be financially strapped. Now, it wasn't one of those cries infused with hysterical sobbing (although I've been capable of a few of those), but rather one of those misty-eyed, six teardrop joints that would have readily indicated to anyone present that I wasn't happy. See, I cried alone -- and I didn't have to tell you that. But I did. It ain't no thang to me. I live in a constant space of Open because being emotionally vulnerable, from time to time, is a survival tactic for me. Through a free release of emotions, I'm able to keep my perspective about things, believe it or not.

It doesn't stop there with crying. My range of emotions can be covered through other forms of expression -- including profanity or cussing, which is, honestly, a personal favorite of mine. :-) Over the years, I tried to appease the traditional posturing when it comes to women and cussing.

"It's unlady-like to cuss."
"Christians shouldn't cuss."

Bullshit. Sometimes, a well placed 'shit' or 'fuck' can relieve the soul of unnecessary tension, leading to correctness in cognitive thinking because your emotions are not all dammed up and affecting that ability anymore. Ok, before I go any further, please understand that I am not talking about some kind of erratic emotional behavior. Besides, that kind of behavior is the result of someone who has tried to do too much 'cool-posing' and worked too hard to control their emotions. Then, they just break down. That's unhealthy. Emotional releases lead to balance, at least, I tend to think so.

Look, Life can do some underhanded things to us. It can unravel the best laid plans, unsuspectingly crush dreams, and mock desires in such a way that we will erroneously believe that things will never get better, or worse, we start thinking that we don't serve any purpose in the world. Our emotions is the gateway to clarity, which is essentially freedom. By actually 'feeling' for just a little while, we can cope better and come to terms with the fact that we may need a better game plan or clean house and confront some things in the Relationship Department.

Emotional releases can also uncover some insecurities we've hidden behind our accomplishments, reveal character flaws or overindulgence in bad habits. Whatever the case, to merely brush the effect off with a wave of nonchalance or faking strength can be dangerous sometimes. Our strength is not in walling up our emotions and putting on a tough face, but rather, it's in the acknowledgement of our hurt, anger, sadness, loneliness, fear, etc. Then, if we have to cry it out or cuss it out, so be it. Once we've dried our noses and the anger has subsided, there is an openness. At first, it may feel odd but embrace it because now you're ready to handle the matter at hand, perhaps in a way of brilliance that you would have never suspected.

Now, what does this have to do with the Love Jones Lifestyle? EVERYTHING. On this journey, we have to bear in mind that it's the Road Less Traveled and while there's fewer people, it's a bumpier road fraught with obstacles, disappointments, unexpected happenings, and broken expectations. You cannot afford to live according to Purpose and think that everything will align itself accordingly. On the contrary, the Status Quo lifestyle promises to be much smoother and easier to navigate because there's a blueprint. With the Love Jones Lifestyle, it's a lot like that compass that Captain Jack Sparrow had in the Pirates movies. Remember? The compass pointed in the direction of what his heart wanted the most -- and then he set sail. A map either didn't exist or it was created with some cryptic code that had to be deciphered. Regardless, there isn't an easy way and no shortcuts. Given those circumstances, it will behoove you to capture those specific times in your life when releasing your emotions are critical. It helps, also, to sob it out with a trusted ally. If there isn't an ally available, cry out to God in the middle of your living room. Go ahead! I do it all the time.

All I'm saying is, in the midst of your beautiful struggle, just remember that you are beautifully human.

Amen?

Only the Lonely?

This week has been a roller coaster ride for me...I discovered the country down home stylings of YouTube entertainer AARRONE99. I worked incredibly hard on multiple academic projects, had parenting challenges galore, and ended the week with a speaking engagement at which my principle audience was...Missing In Action.

Let's start with Aarrone99. She's a self confident, outspoken, beautiful and intelligent woman who shares her observations and experiences live and uncensored. Her videos reflect her dispensing big girl/grown woman wisdom,requests for dating advice, her personal likes and dislikes as well as style and presentation tips. I say all of that to say, that Aarrone99 was not just entertainment this week, but a memory as well. Her posts reminded me of the types of conversations I had with my girls from back home, about how we were raised, the communal knowledge of women, standards of beauty and self love. Aarrone99's videos had me laughing and crying, and kept me company as I was up late night working and writing. Despite the humor, at the end of the day, AARRONE99's videos serve to remind me, and anyone who watches them that "everything and everybody just wants to be loved."

But then...well, for those of you that don't know, I'm a single mama, and raising up two young men "the way they should go", ain't easy on regular days...so when folks decide to cut up at school BEFORE nine a.m., you just kinda KNOW what type of day its' gonna be. With some reinforcements from the community (i.e. MALE community members), lots of communication, and a little bit of good old fashioned "fear of God"- style parenting, we got over that hump.

But, the best part of the week was that I was able to make some major progress on a project I was working on, as well as being invited to present my research at an education conference at the end of the month. On the other hand, I was seriously thrown for a loop, when after preparing a presentation for a student group, the group members who needed the information I was presenting failed to show up...Like I said, ups and downs... Reflecting on everything, I realized that I have been a seriously hard working sister! Which brings me to the flip side of all this stuff...the LONELY.

Lorraine Hansberry has a quote, which has given me SO much insight into my life, my purpose and my reality. In To Be Young Gifted and Black, she explains:

"Eventually it comes to you; the thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely."

When I read this I immediately identified with it. I consider myself to simply be Zenzile...but when I write it all out on paper, or look at my schedule, or think about my responsibilities, as a single woman, a mother, a doctoral student, a blogger, a mentor, a community member, a daughter, sister, aunt, public speaker, editor, writer, job seeker and future business owner, I KNOW, that I am exceptional, and I understand, because of the hierarchy of demands to secure survival and existence that I am oftentimes lonely But, does it have to be this way?

Tell me LJL family,is an exceptional life only for the lonely?

Are exceptional people/lives/experiences like candles, shining brightly yet so warm that no one can get close, forever a beacon but never touched?

Super Lunar Spring Love and You

Yes Lovers...it's a long title, but the only one fit for a post such as this. We here at LoveJonesLifestyle much like the Big and Brilliant SuperMoon have experienced an increase in intensity and size. We have, over the last week, experienced an increase in our knowledge, growth, and revelation of our next steps. We have been enlightened with vision coupled with the pressure of our destiny and clear knowledge of our purpose. Chandra Kamaria and Zenzile are beComing more and more of ourselves in every way, daily.

It should come as no surprise though, for the promise of spring is indeed fulfillment. Spring is symbolized and actualized in growth, fullness, the pregnancy of possibility and the bursting forth of reality. So why should we not expect Spring like characteristics to manifest in our own lives? This Spring we were all given a glimpse of what's to come through the manifestation of the Super Moon. I certainly did not expect the experiences I had this week, as I presented my academic research to be one which pushed me, made me grow, and learn some things about myself, but they did. Chandra Kamaria didn't expect a routine week at the office to inspire her in her creative endeavors as a writer. Beyond that, neither of us expected our small actions to reflexively lead us both to the next level of productivity, artistry, community building, and the even deeper level of living the LoveJonesLifestyle that we speak and write about.

On today, we want to express our love for our audience, followers, and collaborators.

On today, we want you to know that we have an abundance of goodies that will bloom forth this spring.

On today, we stake our claim as the premiere, up and coming space for new artistry from and inspired by the Delta Quandrant.

On today, we admit to ourselves and the world that we are ready to walk into our individual and collective destinies, and implore you to do the same.

It is spring, rejoice, set your intention, and join us on the journey to the LoveJonesLifestyle.

As always, we want to hear how YOU approach the newness and promise of Spring, and how YOU live the LoveJonesLifestyle! Let us know!

Age of Aquarius

It's February...the dawning of the Age of Aquarius!!!

It's February, and well, for many, its the month of love, affection, warmth, or as as the song so eloquently says, the era when "peace will guide the planets and love will steer the sun"



My memory of February, the Aquarians, and love will always be symbolized in a pair of cups my parents kept alternately on their nightstands or on our fireplace mantle, depicting their Zodiac signs. My father's cup was the Aquarius and my mother's the Sagittarius. Although my parents probably never noticed, or knew, I'd read those cups religiously, memorizing the characteristics of both signs, the constellations that they were comprised of, and the dates they were marked by. As a child, I assumed both their compatibility and unity was assured by the presence of their Zodiac coffee mugs.

In the larger context, this is the month in which we celebrate the martyr of the Christian Saint Valentine, who wrote a love letter before his execution on the 14th of February,signing it 'Your Valentine' and setting in motion a tradition that we've continued into modernity.

However, even the Lovely, Loving Ladies of LoveJonesLifestyle have not been spared the "hate"...yes, even love has haters,it comes in the form of broken hearts, disbelief, indifference and infidelity...remember this?



As we've said before, this Lifestyle is NOT for the faint of heart.

We love.

We lose.

We hurt.

But in the end, we must choose.

I choose to stand on the side of love.

My life, and my Valentine's Days are filled with much more love than not. My Valentine memories are filled with flowers from my dad delivered at school, hand drawn cards from boyfriends, candies from coworkers, and dinners with girlfriends during my single years. I love love, and I LOVE the celebration of love. Sister blogger Chandra Kamaria will call me the eternal optimist, but its true. Despite the materialism, consumption overload, and mindless one time shows of affection, that the holiday has become, I still have hope for love. Not the commercialized, syrupy sweet, "you'll find yourself on the couch if I don't get diamonds" -type of love, but the real thing.

You know, that kind of love of self that makes us say, "you know what, I AM gonna go get me a bouquet of flowers today, just to brighten up my living room." Or the kind of love that says,"I'm happy just BEing with you, now let me run you a bubble bath," or "honey, scratch my dandruff." The kind of love that says "girl, we will NOT spend our Valentine's Day lamenting our single-hood, but celebrating all that we've accomplished and learned, and being happy we've made it to this point! We LOVE life!!"

That's the legacy of Valentines day for me. As I've grown out of girlhood, daddy's flower deliveries, and love note from boyfriends, I've learned that LOVE should come as naturally as LIFE. It should be celebrated daily. Therefore, I choose to live in a space where peace guides my planet, and love guides my sun. A new day is dawning Lovers....which side will you choose?

The Healing Love of Nature

I’ve wanted to write about Love and Nature for a while now, but was stumped. I remembered how nature has been a healer for me. I smiled at the story of my close friend whose first date with her now husband was a bologna sandwich picnic lake in a state park. I’m still perplexed by how much I despise winter days, but as a child loved late night winter walks up the unpaved, dark, country roads of my grandmother’s rural Mississippi home. Camping is my favorite stress reliever. When I’m focused on building a fire, steadying my flashlight on a path, or staying warm in a tent with hot cocoa, the rest of the world melts away. With all this love of nature, you’d think writing about LOVE and NATURE would, well…come naturally! Ok, ok, forgive the play on words, but you get my drift, right?

Well, LJL fam, we’ve been pretty open and clear with one another, and right now, I’d argue that we’re in a little bit of a funk…and not the Bootsy Collins kind either. In fact, I wish I was ON Collins, Boulevard, that is.

Maybe the sun and salty air of South Beach would pull me out of this funk. Unfortunately, I’m suffering like the rest of the mainland, from this Arctic Blast that just won’t quit.

Chandra Kamaria and I often marvel at the brilliant, beautiful, productive, well educated, articulate and genuine brothers we’ve collected as friends, over the years…while faced with the stark reality that the other side of the bed is warmed only by our laptops. Is this the conundrum we face? Knowing, interacting with, loving and supporting our male counterparts, exclusive of that “ultimate love connection” we’re all taught to desire as women? It can’t be, it simply can’t be. We, like you dear readers, hold ourselves in high regard. We know that we operate in our worlds from positions of power and privilege, and have vowed to never abuse that power, but to definitely use it to uplift, mentor, support and serve. But the basis of all of this is love. Love begets Hope.

Hope is what Mother Nature gives us at every moment. In the fire and the seed, she destroys and gives life. Despite our darkest nights, the sun rises to greet us at each new day. Though our skies can pour lightning, thunder, rain, snow and ice, birds still honor their natural desire to fly through them. As the hauntingly accurate multimedia artist/poetress Alixa of PoeTree reminds us, in her poem Being Human, nature never questions its existence. She wonders if the insecurities of humans are evident in nature, and when we consider the ridiculousness of it all, it makes us understand, have new reverence and respect for both nature and ourselves.


Despite the trials, despite making the “right” decisions, love can be wrenching, it can make us question ourselves, but if we return to our source, if we return to nature, we can regain our hope, and remain open to the possibilities…I know I’ll be stargazing tonight, despite the measly 39 degrees we’ve been promised here in the Lone Star State…I need to know, to see and hold strong to “the possibilities.”
Are you with me? Can we all take some time and let nature renew us, and our hope?

When Love Calls...

Greetings LoveJonesLifestyle family! Please allow me to apologize for the brief hiatus, but, as I’m sure you know; this lifestyle is NOT for the faint of heart! The past week has been one of ups and downs for us here at LJL. One that indeed has us longing for the days when love was simple,

and a breakup consisted of your best friend and your love interests’ best friend telling you its over, after which you all proceeded to run out onto the playground and play together anyway.

Our theme song for the last week or so has been one of both recognition and direction that recognizes the ethereal yet enduring quality of love.



We’ve seen both sides of this aching truth in the last week, finding ourselves both calling and receiving the call, often times to mixed signals. What happens when you offer love and it goes unanswered? When you’ve done all you can to show a person that you’re open to love, overflowing with love, and moved by the unseen love gods and goddesses to give that love over to that special someone, but they “can’t see the forest for the trees” as Atlantic Starr explains?

On the other hand, we’ve stood at the precipice of love, fearful of the leap of faith it takes to allow someone to see into us and love us fully. In a world of materialism and disposability, how do we ever know what’s real?

Either way, whichever side of love we stand on, silence in response to the love call leaves us with empty arms, a heart filled with unrequited love, and a lost opportunity to rise in love. Therefore, the only thing we can do is to answer.

Loving Yourself...

Loving Yourself…

In the midst of the hustle and bustle of the holidays its easy to lose ourselves. We shop for each other, run around town and country visiting relatives and friends, and spend inordinate amounts of time cooking, cleaning and eating. Despite the fun and enjoyment we experience with our friends and families, we can often forget about ourselves, and even our friends who don’t have access to extensive social networks.

Add this to the bombarding messages of the “New Year” including changing ourselves, ending bad habits, losing weight, accomplishing lifelong goals, advancing professionally, gaining control of our finances and being better parents, friends and lovers, and you’re left with very little time to simply practice self love. And as the Tiny Buddha put it, without self love, we are unable to love others.

The post holiday blues hit me hard this year…suddenly my children were back at school, and I had to get back in the swing of things. I was far away from the creative stimulation, family love and delicious foods of home that had sustained me over the holidays. The longing for love coupled with homesickness and the normal hormonal fluctuations of womanhood combined into a perfect storm of emotional wreckage. In the end, the only lifeline I had was the power of prayer and a good cry…Imagine my surprise when I found that these were actually two of many healthy ways to walk through the storm I was experiencing.

At the end of the day, I decided to put off work, the writing project I had planned, getting together with coworkers and classmates, and even basic personal activities in exchange for a day of personal care and self love. I slept in. I spent some time in meditation where I again received confirmation of my decision to spend the day in self care. I opened my bedroom window and allowed the cool winter air to wash over me and my space. I lovingly shampooed, oiled and conditioned my locs. I soaked my feet and completed an at home mani-pedi, and slathered my skin with Vitamin E oil and cocoa butter. Finally, I completed my favorite self care activity, a steam facial.

The universe answered my obedience as I relaxed with a little t.v. time at the end of the day. My twelve year old came in and asked if I had started making dinner yet. When I replied “no” he said “good, I want to cook stir fry tonight!!” and proceeded to take his bath, then prepare dinner for us. As a final applause to my self loving day, I walked over to close my blinds, and glancing at my altar, noticed that the top card on my deck of affirmation cards was labeled “PAMPER” the final notice that my day of self love was needed, useful and divinely affirmed.

By the end of the day, I felt refreshed. I was ready to work, but I gave myself permission to spend the next day cleaning my environment, and preparing for the year ahead, without the buzz of technology, opting instead for silence.

In our pursuit of love, we must remember ourselves. The winter season is one of planning, ordering and laying foundations. Lay your foundation for love with your own self love. Lay your foundation for order by stepping away from the hustle and bustle of the season, the false promises of change that each new year brings, and instead invest in truly caring for yourself, practicing love of self in large and small ways, without elaborate plans and schemes. Perform a simple act of love today. Love yourself, even if you’re jonesin...

• Mistreating Me by Leela James

More Leela James music on iLike

*tee shirt available from WAM

Who are your People?

Community…a word composed of two greater words, common and unity that imply exactly that, a coming together or unification of those who have some traits in common.

Community…I love the way it rolls off the tongue, literally making a hug then a kiss in your mouth. Say it cah (opening arms) mu (closing) ni (retreat inside) tee (ending with a smile)

Community…the word conjures up warmth for me, a safe space, home.

Community is a necessary space. One which, in this society of rugged individualism, is often forgotten, denied, and even erased. The questions our grandmothers never had to ask, “Who are your people?” “Where are you from?” we never think to ask, assuming Google knows all. But Google won’t tell us that his people are fifth generation alcoholics…or that she is from a tribe of women, who have never known a healthy relationship with men. Barring a direct confession, these are truths learned from living, working, loving and playing in relation to others. And that is the definition of community.

I first learned of community spaces and the exchanges which take place in them from artists. They were musicians, producers, rappers who knew one another and one another’s work. They knew the history of the music they loved, other genre’s that borrowed and sampled the music, and could identify a production team by their sound signatures. They read about their favorite artists, voraciously devoured liner notes, and knew all of the hidden gems that were slept on by regular listeners. Finally, they always had time to teach, discuss and share what they loved. They invited me in.

This notion of community has taken flight in our day in its diet form, called “Networking” a cold, hard, metallic word, stemming from its digital, internet era roots.
Of course, this “community lite”, or networking lacks all of the features of regular community in that it requires no knowledge of history, no interconnectedness, or shared concern. It only requires a “legitimate” platform, and a tangible “good or service” that can be exchanged or provided.

But I’m old school…a first generation city dweller with roots deep in the Mississippi mud. I am not ashamed to say, that I need my community. I was raised, as an eldest child by my father, and respect that position, for me, a girl child; it means that I will eventually take on the role of Matriarch. I have been well trained in the art of leadership, and gained experience at an early age in community service. Perhaps this fuels my desire for and need to create community now, in all aspects of my life.

This need, coupled with desire, and the encouragement of my unspoken community has led me to create a community of writers. Writers of Color. Intelligent Writers. Writers who can thoughtfully and legitimately give voice to the experiences of other people of color. Men who can humanely write about women, and women who can lovingly write about men. People unafraid to tell our stories in the true myriad of ways in which they occur. After our first retreat, I have already discovered a group of women who are kindred spirits in the ways of writing. We want, desperately, to tell our stories. Often times in hopes of self discovery, identity and in search of clarity. We are happy to have one another.

As the Kwanzaa holiday ends and the New Year approaches, I urge each of you to seek out your community. Where do you belong? Somewhere, there are healthy, loving folks, just waiting for you to fulfill your role. They are waiting to fill you in on their history, and guide you to seek yours. They are offering more than just exchange, and need more than your “goods and services.” The friendships that are a part of the LoveJonesLifestyle grow beyond simple levels of acquaintanceship and “social networking” sites. Friendships turn to sisterhood and brotherhood which create family which solidifies community. What community will you seek out in the New Year? Do you need to create a community? If so, where? Why? What purpose will your service serve?

The Good News? Sisterhood!

"Love, is a many splendored thing"…And today, we here at LoveJonesLifestyle are excited to participate for the first time in the Good News Tuesday Blog carnival initiated by Wayne Hicks over at The AfroSpear .
Today’s good news celebrates the love of sisterhood, the magic of the internet and the operation of the Universe at its most divine heights.

About two years ago, while recovering from a very painful breakup and the subsequent end of a six year relationship, I embarked on a process of reinvention. The steps I followed, almost instinctively, mirror those of the 31 Day Restart
organized by Ms. Rosetta Thurmond of www.happyblackwoman.com

One of the most important steps I took was joining an on line community of women, known as the Black Mom’s Club founded by Sister LaShanda Henry. The women of BMC as we affectionately called our group consisted of women from various walks of life, a few men who supported us in our efforts, and lots and lots of love, advice, expertise and desire to connect.

That fateful decision made literally years ago, in the midst of a pieced together recovery process led not only to my first experiences at blogging, but to the knowledge that I was not alone, an entry into a healthy community of women who were willing to discuss difficult issues in parenting and relationships, and a treasure trove of resources related to education, health, wellness and support. There were hundreds of groups in the club, from moms of boys all the way to home schooling. We engaged in spirited and lively debates, shared resources about relocation, and supported many a single sister through pregnancy and the early stages of motherhood.

Recently, I had the opportunity to bring an on line friendship into the real world, and was pleasantly surprised that instead of a casual acquaintance, I ended up meeting a woman with whom I shared so much in common that our meeting could not simply be attributed to mere coincidence, but to the divine orchestrations of the Universe itself.

Over a two hour coffee date, we discovered we not only attended the same school, but held the same major, and similar career plans. We had worked in the same field prior to completing our educations, and both appreciated the necessity for mentorship as a part of our relationships. We even delved a bit into our relationships with men, spirituality, and the need for sisterhood. The recognition of this need was a turning point in my view of my new acquaintance. For all of the negative publicity women receive (See the Crunk Feminist Collective’s take on RHOA and other Black Woman Drama here ) I was happy to meet someone who operated in the spirit of true friendship and sisterhood. It was truly pleasant to encounter someone who had a healthy view of herself, others and life in general.

In our pursuit of the LoveJonesLifestyle we often become consumed by the process of creation, our art, and “keeping our heads above water”. However, we know, without a doubt that community and often for women, sisterhood is the place that offers us the safety and strength to ply our wares in the marketplace. Our communities nurture us and encourage us to share our talent with the marketplace. Without those special sister to sister relationships, we are often left unanchored, lost and alone. How do you take time to create the community you want, need and that will ultimately allow you to flourish?


* photo courtesy of www.corbisimages.com

Love Meditations

"They say I'm crazy the way you got me open, baby!
They say I'm bugging the way I'm top sweating your loving.
They all sit and wonder why this feeling I cannot hide.
It ain't a question of pride.
IT'S LOVE." -- Jill Scott

So, in living this Love Jones Lifestyle, one has to be willing to accept the fact that love will remain elusive and in dire need of rumination at every given moment. Love is like a prism, it changes color depending on the amount of light that penetrates it. Each color has its own interpretations and causes a separate course of action for resolution of an issue. So, the more illuminated you are in your meditations, the easier it will be to untangle the complexities of love when they are presented. It's troubling when someone accepts a generic standard of love that does not bear fruit for their affair, simply because they did not take the time to soul search it for themselves.

That's why it's critically important to determine what love means to you; embrace it, demonstrate it, and send it out so that the angels can tend to it when you're too dazed to recall your constitution because you're busy with playing the role of the martyr or the fool. This is a tried method of ensuring your sanity throughout the experience of loving your Loved One. So, while you are doing everything you can do to keep the affair going, you won't have to worry about losing or undermining what you know.

I know about this first hand.

Over the past weekend, I've been reviewing the decrees of love that I have issued to the universe and replaying a conversation over and over again to check for inconsistencies. I understood what was said--but my mind and heart are not in agreement, thus, both are still deliberating. Because I base love on the Scriptural Chapter 13 (I Corinthians 13:4-8), I'm standing here hoping all things, and believing all things -- ensuring also not to seek my own. At best, this is my course of action and certainly a challenge for me. A woman of my caliber wants to have it my way and I have a strategy to accomplish just that. But no, patience has to have its perfect work -- and that's good and understandable, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Don't answer that. I got it. In a word, I live. I have more than enough to keep me fulfilled while I await love's jury to present more evidence that I'm either guilty of holding on too long or not guilty of wanting to move on. While I wait, I draw one step closer to clarity because love is still teaching me.

So, let me encourage those of you out there who are still bold and brave enough to love, spend more time understanding its inner workings for you and the sake of your Loved One. Decide how love should frame your life and pursue that goal. As you love and tend to your affairs (whether simple or complicated), tap your fortitude to confront those potential cracks in the defense of love and seal them with righteousness. Never forget this constant truth: love does not acknowledge cowardice so be willing to fight. Be sure to stand on its side because it will always wear the crown of Champion. Love never fails.

Before I wrap this up, let me also do some beckoning. As the vibrations of this song and its lyrics fill the air, I command the angels to carry them to the heart of my Loved One so he will understand that when love calls, he'd better answer....because love may not ever come again, at least, not from me. So, as love prepares the verdict, I stand ready to act.

Peace to the Righteous.

The Kanye v Barack Chronicles

I’ve never had a problem finding a man.

There, I’ve said it.

Not to be arrogant, or egotistical, or even boasting.

Just.being.honest.

I haven’t.

Whenever I’ve wanted a boyfriend, I’ve had one. When ever I’ve been single, I’ve had, shall we say, options.

My problem, rather, has always been choosing the right man.

You see, I’m an intellectual at heart. I love art, music, and theatre. I’m a cultural strategist. I love history, politics, and international intrigue. I’m a Libra; I love beauty, nature and balance. I love passion. I live by passion, if it doesn’t give me absolute bliss, then to hell with it. This goes for food, people, places, jobs, and activities. However, due to very practical, down to earth, Southern, working class parents, I’m also very pragmatic. I want the basics, I want them to be decent, and I’ll fill in the blanks for the extras.

However, this is *not* the best way to operate when selecting a mate…hence the Kanye versus Barack conundrum in which I always find myself.

It goes like this, I’ll be single, doing my thing, concentrating on a particular goal, living my life, y’ know, being ME- Zenzile- a woman who can overcome life’s obstacles, and make a way for herself…and along comes Kanye. Kanye is an art/music/book/everything beautiful lover like myself. Kanye, in fact IS beautiful. Kanye is always charming, energetic, exciting, off on a new adventure and ready to take you with him. Kanye takes you new places, introduces you to new things, and seems too good to be true. This, of course, is because Kanye IS too good to be true. Kanye is Peter Pan. He is a child in a man’s body, with male privilege, and free reign to pretend he is an adult, until he doesn’t want to be. Kanye pouts when the real world rains on his adventure parade. Kanye may or may not want to do what you want to do on any given day. Kanye is NOT practical…

In the midst of feeling an inkling of something maybe being a little wrong with Kanye, Barack shows up. Barack is solid. He’s a gentleman; he’s smart, intelligent, but not brilliant, like Kanye. Barack is polite, thoughtful, and would never drag you running through the rain to a shack by a lake and call it an adventure, he’d call it an inconvenience, and you’d have to sit in the car quietly waiting until the rain stopped, making polite conversation.

Barack appreciates that you know about art, theater, and literature, in fact, he respects your intelligence, and never tries to compete with it, or you. Barack is practical, he is protective, he is proud of you, hell, he’s proud just to KNOW you.

And there you are, sitting there, the choice, ever so softly, landing in your lap…you know good and well, things with Kanye will end badly. He’s an overgrown child. He’ll try, he really will. Maybe even masquerade AS Barack, for a while. But he can’t hold back who he is, and soon, just like in the story, Pan must fly back to Neverland. If you try and hold him to you, beware, for then you’ll be introduced to a completely new side of him…left wishing you had indeed followed the REAL Mr. West’s advice to “Run away”.

Barack, however, is loyal. He listens, he watches you, and he knows exactly what you need, if only you’d allow him to share it with you. And one day, when you tire of chasing rainbows, you’ll allow him to share it too. You’ve seen glimpses of Barack’s kindness. He’s been there, painfully listening and watching when you inevitably have to pick up the pieces of your broken heart left by Kanye. He lets you fall asleep on his sofa after trying to distract you with pizza and movies, leaving his favorite sweatshirt tear-stained. He hates seeing you this way, but is smart, perceptive, and patient enough to know that no matter how badly he wants you, you’re not ready for him.

So this is where I am. I’ve met Kanye and Barack at least three times in my life, but this time, this ONE time, I’m submitting to a higher power, I’m allowing myself to be guided by something more divine than my passion, more developed than my “taste,” bigger than seduction. I’m choosing Barack, and not because I’ve been burned by the Kanyes, I still love them, their sense of adventure, boyish good looks, talent, brilliance, and charm, but I’ve finally realized what I overlooked in my pursuit of passion. With Barack, I can be both grounded and lifted, I can be supported and offer support, I can build and be sheltered, I can plant, and grow. Barack will offer me the balance I so desperately need, allowing me to be a better ME.

With Barack, I no longer have to pursue passion vicariously. He provides the foundation that allows me to actually evolve and experience my own passionate self. He is gentle, quiet, and still enough to be a mirror, allowing me to finally see my own fire, my own value, my own shine. Once I finally decided to get out of my own way, and accept that there was something better, different, more powerful, exactly what I needed showed up.

This is a key part of living the LoveJonesLifestyle. We must learn to get out of the way of the blossoming of our talent, our goals, even our love…Have you ever gotten in the way of receiving your BEST?